You either die a hero or live long enough to become a government civilian

CANNON AFB, N.M. — Christian Porter may seem like any other middle-aged white guy living in Clovis, New Mexico but don’t let his experimental facial hair fool you. While today the senior program analyst in the Office of the Cannon AFB Inspector General regularly contemplates arson, the former Air Force officer was once a stone-cold warrior.

Born on a remote ranch in Montana as the youngest of five boys, Porter grew up blacksmithing and helping his family chase down and strangle mountain lions for a high-end exotic meat retailer before leaving home to attend the US Air Force Academy. There, the computer systems and aeronautical engineering double major was a Dean’s List graduate, a cross-country running standout, and the captain of the Air Force Academy wrestling team. The alternate for the US Olympic powerlifting team ultimately decided silver wings mattered more than gold medals and became an Air Force aviator.

Over the course of his career as an A-10 Warthog pilot, Porter saw combat during the First Gulf War, The Kosovo War, and Operation Enduring Freedom. Standing an impressive 6 feet 4 inches with a sturdy build and a shock of now graying blond hair, Porter’s callsign was “Beef”, a play on his size and humble beginnings in the exotic meat industry.

Now a father, Porter retired from squadron command, trading the cockpit in for a desk and swapping his GAU-8 Avenger 30mm Gatling gun for complex Excel spreadsheets. His current job is quite different from that of a combat pilot, but for “Beef” tracking base equal opportunity and black mold complaints is not much different from flying low and slow over the Highway of Death while belching gouts of depleted uranium into Iraqi trucks, missile carriers, and BTR-60s as ZSU 23-4 anti-aircraft fire and SA-7 Grail missiles scream past his dancing wing tips.

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