MEDCOM classifies hemorrhoids as sensitive items

FORT SAM HOUSTON, Tx. — United States Army Medical Command (MEDCOM) has announced hemorrhoids will now be considered sensitive items. The decision means that soldiers seeking treatment for the condition will now be subject to increased scrutiny, regulation, retention rules, and somehow more bureaucracy.

The Army defines sensitive items as any item of particular value, military significance, or attractiveness requiring higher security measures and stricter accountability. Previously, sensitive items included weapons, ammunition, medical supplies, and paint for some reason.

According to a memo issued by MEDCOM, "Due to the sensitive nature of hemorrhoids, all requests for treatment will be subject to additional screening and approval. Patients may be required to undergo additional security clearance reviews to provide documentation before treatment can be authorized. These screenings will be conducted by the individual’s last S2."

The reclassification means that hemorrhoid treatments themselves, and even related medical records, will now require additional security measures. MEDCOM leaders were initially hesitant to make the change. "We were worried about the implications of such a classification," said MEDCOM spokesman Lt. Col. Frank Buns. "But look, there’s no question that hemorrhoids are sensitive and rules are rules. Therefore after reviewing the cases of thousands of soldiers, we realized that it is truly an issue that justifies a set of eyes and a probing investigation of every case."

Asked about impacts on an already questionable reputation for military medical efficiency, Buns said, “Hahahahahaha!” Pausing, Buns wiped his eyes and caught his breath before saying, “Hahahahahaha! Oh man…whew-ee….efficiency. Look, we’re doing everything we can to protect valuable items. We take the security of all sensitive items seriously, whether it’s a tank or a tube of Preparation H. I mean, who do you think we are, Third Battalion, Sixth Marines?”

At press time, millions of military disability recipients were shifting uncomfortably in their seats.

Jack S. McQuack contributed to reporting

As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.