VA closing parking lots for 'suicide standdown'

ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY, Va. — Secretary of Veterans Affairs Denis McDonough held a press conference this morning on the steps of the Memorial Amphitheater to announce that all VA offices and clinics will close their parking lots for a “suicide standdown.”

Standing before the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the eleventh secretary appointed since 9/11 unveiled yet another effort to increase despondent veteran lifespans. “To paraphrase President Obama,” he said, “if there's even one step we can take to save another veteran, then surely we have an obligation to try.”

McDonough’s edict comes on the heels of a report by his agency’s Task Force Veteran Intra-Vehicular Self Murders. “The report makes it clear,” he said. “VA parking lots have a direct correlation to head wounds.”

“Our cemetery administration office suspects it’s because a parking space looks roughly the size of a grave site,” McDonough said as his hand swept across Arlington’s fields of white stone markers. “So, we’ll consider resizing the lines during our suicide standdown. We might also paint over the goth blacktop with something like a happy pink.”

Reporters offered a sedate golf clap at McDonough’s remarks, while others in attendance rolled in their graves.

“Veterans can still be dropped off and picked up at the front entrance to our facilities across the nation,” said the secretary. “But those who are in mental distress will not be able to loiter their final moments on our asphalt.”

Wow, that’s a lot of VA secretaries since 9/11

McDonough lauded his agency’s previous efforts to combat veteran suicides. They include:

• tasking a brigadier general to make veterans aware of suicide,

• purchasing Facebook ‘likes’ to improve mental health,

• and erecting a $2 billion veterans suicide memorial.

“We get closer to success with every effort,” McDonough assured reporters at the press conference.

But not everyone was pleased with the VA’s newest attempt to reduce self-inflicted funerals. Gen. (ret.) Robert Neller, the 37th Marine Commandant. “I’m still not sure it’s gonna do anything,” he said. “If we’re trying to stop a veteran from sitting in a VA parking lot with a gun on the dashboard, it’s too late.”

Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO with a personal connection to this topic. If you’re at the end of your rope for any reason, please dial 988 where you’ll always find people who care about you and can direct you to the support you need.