US Joint Force Unsurprised to See Nation, Middle-East “Back on Their Bullshit”

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US CENTRAL COMMAND, Tampa, Fl.—The expanding chaos in the Middle-East that has shocked international security experts has come as less of a surprise to members of the US Joint Force, according to interviews conducted with personnel deployed in support of Operation Prosperity Guardian.  

“I saw this coming the minute the Israelis starting pounding the shit out of this place. There was no way America would just watch someone else rawdog that shit and just sit on the sidelines,” said Fire Controlman First Class Everett Garcia.

“It always starts out good,” continued Garcia, noticeably adjusting the crotch of his trousers. “We’re dropping huge loads [of ordnance] around the clock and they’ll be just as ready to go the following day. Hezbollah, Houthis, Hamas? Whatever, they all have just an insatiable desire to get pounded over and over. Sometimes they’ll get freaky and invite someone else into the mix. Shit gets nasty, but good nasty, na’mean? I remember going hard against the Sunni insurgency in 2009, and bam, they bring in Boko Haram out of nowhere. We look over our shoulder and there’s the French tagging in with us. They love that colonial, interracial shit. But the truth is it always ends the same way it did with my first wife: somebody crying, somebody screaming, somebody swearing eternal jihad.” 

Colonel Alicia Rogers, a Tennessee National Guardsman serving in the targeting cell at US Army Central Command (Forward) echoed Garcia’s sentiments. “I thought things with the Pacific were promising…China’s got quirks, and yeah, a lot of us have that Asian fetish thing going on, but I really think it still has potential for a long-term, meaningful wartime relationship. But what can you expect when it’s cold on the watch-floor and some doe eyed terrorists start begging for a long, hard Combined Operations Campaign/Kinetic? You pull out and pray a dozen times with that COCK and then act surprised that the US and Middle East end up back on their bullshit?” 

Staff Sergeant Leroy Jones, an Air Force reservist and licensed clinical psychologist, explained the reason behind the on-again, off-again US relationship with the Middle East, “Borderline personality traits have a direct relationship with attractiveness. This is more widely known as the ‘hot/crazy matrix’.” 

“Think a stable country is going to load up a donkey with explosives just so you can slam a missile into that ass? The only box where you can get that freaky on the regular is the sandbox.”   

US Central Command Commander, General Eric Kurilla, offered a different opinion. “Anyone saying that America is going back to the same old toxic relationship isn’t acknowledging how much work we’ve both done to change. You don’t just go from low-rent IEDs to anti-ship ballistic missiles and drones without putting in a lot of work.”

Representatives from Raytheon, Lockheed-Martin, and Boeing, were later seen reassuring a sobbing Kurilla that it “really would be different this time.”  

The Duffel Blog Staff is not interested in sloppy seconds.