"Unsustainable" number of Ft. Cavazos soldiers injured tripping over bodies

FORT CAVAZOS, Texas. - In the wake of multiple injuries caused by soldiers tripping over bodies in the conduct of their duties, Ft. Cavazos, known as “The Great Place,” has also come to be known as “The Great Place to Dump So Many Bodies That Soldiers Are Tripping Over Them.”

The lead for bodies laying around training areas once belonged to Ft. Liberty. But expecting soldiers to earn superlatives and unsatisfied with simply being known as “The Great Place to Get Murdered,” “The Great Place to Not Get Fed,” “The Great Place to Not Get Eye Surgery,” “The Great Place to Ignore Privacy Laws,” “The Great Place to Sleep with a Subordinate’s Wife,” “The Great Place to Get Relieved,” “The Great Place to Not Have Housing,” and “The Great Place to Kill Yourself” Ft. Cavazos leadership challenged soldiers to step up their game in all areas. Soldiers responded to the challenge.

“We were underage drinking in the barracks,” said Specialist William Howsworth, a field artillery cannoneer. “We ran out of Golden Grain and Specialist Thompson said a guy he knew said you could drink Simple Green if you strain it through like, PT short liners or something. Green sounds like Grain, so I was like, ‘Go for it.’ Next thing you know, Pvt. Bradds is convulsing and we’re dumping him out on a tank range. I already had an Article 15 for some bullshit out in town so we couldn’t risk getting popped for the drinking, y’know?”

Numerous other idiots, malfeasants, and mentally unstable soldiers are answering the call as well.

“I have an obsession with this Specialist who works over in medical,” acknowledged Sgt. Rob Toman, a wheeled vehicle mechanic. “I have been thinking about just beating on her door at 2 AM when I was shit hammered or maybe just hanging around her barracks in a super creepy way. But looking at what everyone else is doing here at ‘The Great Place’ makes me think maybe a kidnap/murder is the best way to show my dedication to her AND the unit! I mean, I could off myself in the process if it helps the unit.”

But with great achievement comes great costs. So many soldiers stepped up to the challenge that injuries from tripping over bodies have decreased Ft. Cavazos readiness to an unacceptable level.

“After a visit from the Army Inspector General we now realize that current readiness levels could have serious consequences for senior leader’s careers,” said base spokesperson, Lt. Sheila Carlson. “That’s not going to fly, so leaders are taking bold steps. Next Tuesday, soldiers will spend the entire morning in a safety/leadership/murder standdown.”

“We’ve faced many problems in the history of the US military,” said Army Brig. Gen. Daniel Sandlot. “Corruption, lack of preparedness for major regional conflicts, institutional racism. We even had that whole ‘slaughtering Native Americans for sport’ issue back in the 1870s. But through all that, we’ve proven there’s no problem we can’t solve with an inspiring speech from a middle manager and four hours of PowerPoint classes led by semi-literate junior leaders. Rest assured, by the end of the day, soldiers will be much more prepared to dispose of bodies in ways that won’t injure other Ft. Cavazos soldiers preparing for combat or impact senior leader’s careers.”

Thunder Chicken is tired, boss.