Turn your access to classified information into a side hustle with these five steps

FT. MEADE, Md. - So, you’ve finally made it - you convinced the government that you never used drugs and got yourself a security clearance.  What’s more, your unit’s information management and risk mitigation can’t keep up with the rate of O-3 and O-4 slide-making, and you’ve got access to information that barely anyone should have! How can you make the most of this dangerously misplaced trust while it lasts? 

Duffel Blog’s experts weigh in on five steps to serve yourself up a successful side gig!

Flaunt it if you’ve got it

The world needs to know that you’re in the know.  You can tell them subtly or not so subtly - we recommend both, with a heavy emphasis on the latter - but bottom line: make sure you get the word out!

Self-aggrandizement can come in many forms. Updating your role on LinkedIn to include TS and those other letters you don’t really understand alerts your professional network - and anyone else capable of doing a basic internet search - to the fact that you’ve got a brain, or at least a laptop, filled with hot goss.  

Off-line, if you’re the kind of person who actually has a life outside of the internet, you can drink liberally and then just say whatever’s on your mind to whoever is around - strangers welcome and encouraged!  Finally, don’t neglect internet clubs that give you a platform to make everyone aware of how important you are - and why.

Network!

You’re getting the word out - and people are noticing!  There’s that hot member of your Discord group who works in IT in Alaska (even though based on their pics they should be a supermodel) - you’ve already seen them asking around for “anyone who knows about capabilities and vulnerabilities of all tanks made in NATO countries…for my gaming.”  You could be answering their call to service and supporting and defending their ability to win a video game, or whatever else they’re up to.  

While you’re at it, go ahead and accept the TON of connection requests you’re getting from foreign exchange students.  And those guys from the Invisible Hand Two-and-a-Half Percent Alpha Male Society who reached out seem pretty cool!  Keep connecting - big things are coming your way.

Do your research and connect the dots

You have a mountain of disparate shreds of information at your fingertips.  Work hard and fill in the blanks - watch everything YouTube puts in front of you, and make sure you follow all of the “contrarian” shitposters on X.  Before you know it, you’re going to have a deep, unimpeachable understanding of the world, and the power of guarded secrets to help you make an outsized difference.  With this kind of market research and deep knowledge of your audience, you’re bound to make a splash.

Believe in yourself

You’re a highly trusted person who has served in our armed forces for 12-18 months and who, through sheer negligence and incompetence from your lazy or possibly complicit chain of command, is able to view, download, and distribute extremely sensitive information, completely unabated.  The world deserves to hear your well-informed, even-better-intentioned voice!  You’re going to be a hero and/or rich - one of your courageous predecessors ran for Senate!

Act boldly

As the come-from-millions entrepreneur Elon Musk says, the voice of your echo chamber is the voice of God.  Be that voice; share your wealth of knowledge with the world and reap the benefits of your righteousness.  Don’t worry about putting good people at unnecessary risk or hampering American efforts to counter global threats.  As we have pointed out in the past, loose lips sink ships, but they also get tons of likes and can make you an #influencer.  You might even get some money, or get to live in an exotic country like Russia for the rest of your life.

Task Force Football Bat knows who killed Kennedy but will only tell you if he gets 10,000 likes in your digital marketplace of ideas of choice.  W.E. Linde contributed to this article.