Trump dashes across North Korean border in bid for asylum

PANMUNJOM, N.K. and DEMILITARIZED ZONE - In an unprecedented move that shocked the world, former President Donald Trump made a daring run across the North Korean border yesterday.

Clad in his signature red tie and sporting a “Make America Great Again” hat, Trump reportedly sprinted across the demilitarized zone (DMZ) shouting, “Rocket Man, take me in!,” possibly referring to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, with whom he shared an inconsistent relationship during his presidency.

Eyewitnesses on both sides of the border were left dumbfounded as Trump’s chaotic dash unfolded. “I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Sergeant Michael Kim, stationed at the South Korean guard post. “One minute he’s tweeting a bunch of randomly capitalized malapropisms, the next he’s making a run for it.”

North Korean guards, initially taken aback by the sight of another human being charging toward them with the intent to cross their borders, quickly shifted into full alert before taking the ex-president into custody.

Reactions from around the world have been mixed. Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly raised an eyebrow and said, “Good idea,” while Edward Snowden muttered, “Bold move.”

In America, responses from top political leaders were less measured. President Joe Biden asked, “Who did what, now? Check out these suspenders I just got! You gonna eat your Jell-O, Jack?”. On the opposite side of the aisle, Sen. Mitch McConnell spent his press conference staring blankly at reporters, saying nothing.

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