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Top 5 disability ratings as ranked by a drunk guy at the VFW

VFW Post 1369 — Hey man, listen up. I've been around, seen a thing or two, and I've got some wisdom to share. You're gonna want to hear this — my top five disability ratings. Trust me, I've thought about this a lot, especially after a few rounds here at the VFW.

1. "That One Where You Can't Hear Your Wife Anymore”

First up, and don't laugh, it's the one where you can't hear your wife anymore. And she can’t even get mad at you, because then SHE is the bad guy for yelling at a disabled veteran. Genius, right? No more nagging about the dishes or the trash. It's like, she's talking, but all you hear is freedom. And by freedom, I mean a constant dog whistle sound that will lead to a lack of sleep and increased irritability. Let’s toast to pure bliss!

2. "The Limp Thing – Chicks Dig Scars, Right?"

Now, the second one – it's the limp. You know, the one caused by “the big bang” during your deployment. It's a badge of honor, and let me tell you, chicks dig scars. You just limp into a bar, and bam, instant respect. Plus, it's a great conversation starter. "How'd you get that?" they ask. "Well, let me tell you a story..." Speaking of which, where is that bartender?

3. "That Jumpy Thing When Fireworks Go Boom"

So, number three – and this one can be a bit tricky. Let me finish this beer first. Bartender??? Anyways, it's that jumpy thing when fireworks go off. It keeps you on your toes, literally! You're like a cat on the nip, highly alert yet unable to determine what’s real versus what isn’t. Plus, it's a great excuse to avoid (burps) your family. "Sorry kids, Daddy can’t light the fireworks. Doctor's orders." Works every time.

4. "The Ol' Forget-Your-Own-Birthday Trick"

Alright, stick with me here. Number four – it's forgetting stuff. You want a shot by the way? I’m gonna do a little “to kill ya” and lime. Anyways, like I was saying, it’s like forgetting your birthday. It's brilliant! No one expects you to remember anything. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, you name it. "Oh, was that today? Sorry I missed your birthday Jesus, Happy Fourth of Halloween!" No guilt, no fuss. You just play the "oops, forgot again" card, and everyone's all like “Aww, poor guy, can't remember a thing."

5. "Whatchamacallit... The One with the Thing"

And, uh, number five... what was it? Oh, right, the thing. You know, the one with the thing. It's, uh, important. Or something. Anyway, it's definitely in the top five. Trust me. BARTENDER! Where is that guy? He’s got one job!

Clay Beyersdorfer is a writer and comedian in St. Louis. He also manages the social media accounts for Duffel Blog and is the Editor-in-Chief of End of the Bench, a satirical sports publication on Substack. He does not have an OnlyFans account but aspires to be good-looking enough to start one day.