Survey finds 90% of women join military for pockets

CRYSTAL CITY, Va. — At a conference attended mainly for the continental breakfast, the Pew Research Center announced a recent survey that finds the number one reason women join the US armed forces is the abundance of pockets.

Military women benefit from a 500% increase in pockets as compared to their civilian female counterparts. Military-grade pockets are not just plentiful but tend to be sturdy and large; allowing female service members to store possessions common to women in the service, like the crushing burden of misogyny, constant doubt stemming from imposter syndrome, the looming threat of sexual assault, and bobby pins.

“I carry everything in these puppies,” said Hull Technician 1st Class Maria Kuznetsov, reaching into the deep caverns of fabric around her hips and knees. “I got, let me see, lip balm, Sour Patch Kids, mini hand lotion, seven ballpoint pens, grease rags, a pocket knife, a can of Coors, my car keys, a Phillips screwdriver, a coffee maker, couple pairs of boots, my…”

Kuznetsov continued to pull out and inventory items within her uniform pockets for about another half hour before concluding with a log of Zyn Wintergreen.

“I used to be a stripper, er- exotic entertainer,” Kuznetsov continued. “Absolutely zero pockets in that career field! This is a major upgrade.”

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