Russia news swings back to boring Ukraine invasion & war crimes

EVERY NEWSROOM, USA – After a thrilling 24 hours — in which it looked like Russia just might slide into a cool-as-shit civil war — newsrooms around the world are being forced to return to run-of-the-mill boring coverage of the regular fighting in Ukraine with the inhuman war crimes and stuff.

“This is such a letdown,” said Eric Sherling, CNN’s executive vice president of US programming. “Let’s face it: the invasion of Ukraine is a tragedy and an outrage and yada, yada, yada. But it’s been a while since anything exciting has happened, right? The Wagner rebellion promised to add some Hollywood-style spice to the now stale conflict that has internally displaced over six million people and forced more than seven million to flee the country”.

“I guess it’s back to casualty counts,” agreed Kimberly Rosenberg, who leads Fox News programming. “What are we up to? 350,000 total? Maybe 375 by now? Oh Lord, I’m nodding off just thinking about it.”

Actual Russia expert Michael Kofman, of the Center for Naval Analyses, illuminated an additional challenge posed by the Wagner coup that wasn’t. “Look, despite the amazing ability of Twitter experts to pivot from submersibles to Russian private military companies, there are only so many actual Russian experts to go around. Things like this Wagner uprising are a critical jobs program for anyone willing to bloviate on television.”

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