Retirement Ceremony could have been retirement e-mail

FORT CAVAZOS, Tx – Soldiers and family members gathered for the retirement ceremony of Lt. Col. Joshua Caristi have agreed that this retirement ceremony totally could have been a retirement e-mail.

Caristi, who served his country honorably, if unexceptionally, for 22 years, wasted everyone’s time and bought a sheet cake that mostly got thrown away, Duffel Blog sources report.

“Two hours? Come on,” Col. Brandon Rogers, Caristi’s commanding officer and host of the ceremony explained to Duffel Blog. “I think there was one paragraph of actual information we needed in that. Blah blah blah, I’m leaving, blah blah blah, effective 1 July.” Rogers went on to add that it all would have fit in the subject line of an e-mail, frankly.

Staff Sgt. Aiden Barrows, who worked with Caristi for two years before his retirement, confirmed that there wasn’t anything in the ceremony that merited an in-person activity. “Boomers always want to do this bullshit,” Barrows told Duffel Blog. “They think it’s important to stand together and be hot and bored. For a dude who was basically ‘doing retirement stuff’ the last twelve months he was in? I don’t even like the guy, I’m just hoping that there’s beer at the reception.”

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