Rear Admiral who F*cked Around Retires Without Finding Out

NAVY YARD, Washington, DC — Acting Chief of Naval Operations Lisa M. Franchetti today announced that Rear Admiral Roger S. Trull, subject of multiple accusations that he had fucked around, will retire early without really finding out.

Trull was slated to assume duties as the Chief of Naval Personnel, an assignment that came with a third star, until allegations of distributing illicit narcotics, adultery, conduct unbecoming an officer, lying to investigators, driving under the influence, and attempted concealment of a corpse came to light.

Breathless press coverage gave many of the citizens who have paid Trull’s salary for more than three decades the impression that justice would be swift and terrible. They were not wrong. Trull will lose upwards of $6200 a year in retirement pay by retiring as a senior Rear Admiral (Upper Half) rather than Vice Admiral. Even with the almost certain 100% VA disability payment Trull will receive, his pretax annual retirement and disability pay will likely not rise above $195,290.40.

“I know from experience, that difference in retirement is a steep price to pay,” acknowledged now-Lt. Col. Jeffery “Poppa Panda Sexy Pants” Sinclair, long a case study as one of the few Flag Officers to both fuck around and sort of find out.

In a negotiated deal to avoid jail time for forcible sodomy, a three-year adulterous relationship, countless violations of CENTCOM General Order Number One, fraternization, and other charges, Sinclair retired as a Lt. Col., two grades below his highest rank attained. Even more painfully, Sinclair said, then-Army Secretary John McHugh characterized his service as a Col. and Brig. Gen. was not satisfactory. “That cost me a good $60-70K a year in retirement.”

Like Sinclair’s untimely fall, Trull’s misfortunes are the fault of a young woman whose charms proved too much for a man carrying the burdens of an Admiral. She first made problems for him when he was discovered unloading what Shore Patrol sailors perceived as “the body of a young woman from the trunk of his car and dumping it into a swamp” on Naval Amphibious Base Little Creek.

However, Maybeth Hostetler, the wife of Trull’s enlisted Aide, was actually clinging to life and, once administered NARCAN and taken to Bethesda Naval Hospital, was able to fully exonerate Trull, “He didn’t mean to kill me, it’s just that what he thought was heroin was cut with enough Fentanyl to kill a herd of horses. It’s an understandable error, he was under a lot of stress.”

Trull, who has been married 27 years and has three teenage daughters, was characteristically reluctant to take credit for other’s actions. “No body, no crime! No one is dead so the UCMJ doesn’t apply in my opinion,” he said.

Naval Staff Judge Advocates and Naval Criminal Investigative Service agents agree.

“There’s really nothing we can do here,” said Special Agent in Charge Rob Turnbull. “I did not personally witness any untoward acts by or between Rear Admiral Trull and Ms. Hostetler at any time so there’s no reason to pursue this very far.”

Naval Judge and Capt. Amanda Fritz, nodded vigorously as she said, “We have to follow precedent and it’s long established that finding out is very bad for an Admiral’s career and post-service opportunities. When the supposed malfeasant is of a grade beyond O-5, we really prefer to just drag these things out until we can quietly make them go away. But…if we have to, we just throw the case.”

Because this case of fucking around involved a naval flag officer, Secretary of the Navy Carlos Del Toro was the ultimate determining authority of Rear Adm. Trull’s fate. Through a spokesman, the Secretary said, “Look, tradition is very important to the Navy. We revere the time when a Captain fucking around at sea was a virtual God once over the horizon. Finding out was never part of that equation. We are getting back to our core values.”

Army Lt. Gen. (R) Michael Capstan, Chief Executive Officer of the Flag Officers Protective Association (FOPA) said FOPA fully supports the decision that Trull not find out, “Maybe you haven’t noticed, but Roger Trull is not an E-7. Please recognize that there’s a decent chance he will be somewhat limited in how many defense contractor boards he can serve on for at least three years.”

The Duffel Blog Staff is always glad to see justice served.