Pentagon cancels car wash fundraiser after debt ceiling standoff averted

PENTAGON, ARLINGTON, Va – Senior Pentagon officials have canceled a fundraising car wash upon news the debt ceiling crisis has been averted, sources confirm today.

“Well, shoot,” Gen. Mark Milley, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said as he put his shirt back on and placed a pair of cut-off jean shorts back in his desk drawer. “The boys and I were really looking forward to getting some fresh air in the Pentagon courtyard and raising some scratch for another aircraft carrier, a new sixth generation fighter jet, and some more pens,” he said. “I can never seem to find any pens around here!”

Senior Department of Defense officials say the car wash is no longer critical following a debt ceiling budget deal between President Joe Biden and Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy (R-Ca.) that, according to sources close to the matter, came down to a high-stakes game of rock-paper-scissors.

The debt ceiling is a congressionally mandated limit on the amount of money the U.S government can borrow to cover costs, including the defense budget and paying off its debts to China. A point of contention in the negotiations this year was President Biden’s paltry $886 billion defense budget request Republican lawmakers say would force the Department to make difficult trade-offs between readiness, modernization, and pens.

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