USAF pilots no longer authorized to wear flightsuits during sex

LANGLEY AFB, Va. — The U.S. Air Force announced Friday that its pilots will no longer be authorized to wear flightsuits while engaging in sexual activity, to include making love, having sex, and masturbating while making eye contact with themselves in a mirror.

“I mean, do you know what it’s like to do it with a green onesie on?” asked Deputy Chief of Staff Lt. Gen. Chuck “Downfield” Beckard, a pilot with more than 27 years of service and almost 400 hours of flight time. “Sure, it’s sexy as hell, and a real panty dropper. I mean, uh, a real turn on for the other party, whatever underwear they wear, which I’m sure winds up on the floor. But actually doing it is like trying to remove a bra under a shirt—impossible! Also, we were spending, like, a billion dollars a year on dry cleaning.”

“Seriously, a billion is conservative.”

Subscribe to Premium to read the rest.