Nine Line Apparel rolls out home furnishing collection

AUGUSTA, Ga. - Edgy patriotic and veteran-themed t-shirt producer Nine Line Apparel announced today that the company is entering the home furnishing market with a line of “veteran-inspired, bro-tastic, outrageously patriotic” couches, throws, and other home decor, according to a press release.

Nine Line’s Home Collection features items to help customers outfit their homes as patriotically as they outfit their bodies.  “Their Star-Spangled sofas, blankets, and throw rugs allow customers to show pride in their flag by making it centerpiece in a living room they can fill with their flatulence, footprints, and Cheeto dust,” says Divan Alfombra, an expert at the Home Design Institute. ‘Team Room’ themed items come in Multicam with webbing and hook-and-pile tape.

The Home Collection leans into Nine Line’s strong 2nd Amendment enthusiasm with a couch-mounted AR-15 holster “so customers won’t need to stand up to shoot their TV when their favorite sports ball team fumbles the puck, or some media hack utters an upsetting objective fact,” according to Alfombra.

Customers can round out the room with a variety of knick-knacks - bottles of dip spit start at only $29.99 - and wall hangings with motivational words and instructions on what to do with the flag, along with artistic depictions of “American warriors in Action,” adding that “customers can quietly erode America’s moral standing in the world by relentlessly supporting heroes with these life-like renderings of war crimes as they happened.”

The new line of merchandise also features a cutlery set the company has dubbed ‘Nine Line Urgent Surgical Toolkit,’ part of Nine Line’s new line of kitchen and dining ware.

“We’re proud to extend the metaphor of our morbid and off-target company name with our Level 1 Trauma Kitchen,” the release states, adding that “our Landstuhl ladles and Low Flying Pilot serving platters will show everyone just how much you respect America and The Troops.”

Based on initial positive feedback, Nine Line expects to further expand into the domestic market with a proposed line of 2A-themed “Unapologetically Alpha Sex Toys” marketed under the tag-line “Stay Strapped (On)”.

Task Force Football Bat is the founder and CEO of Ramp Ceremony Footwear.