New Year's resolutions for the Services

PENTAGON, Arlington, Va. - New Year’s is about gazing to the future with hope— namely, the hope that your friends and family forget about all the dumb shit you did over the last 365 days. America’s armed forces are no exception, so here’s what each of the Services is looking forward to in 2024:

Navy: Jesus fucking Christ, we’re back to square one with Fat Leonard. We thought we were in the clear last year when we assigned our dumbest petty officer to guard him with instructions that the GPS bracelet only needed a “loose fit.” Now we’ve got to find a way to convince the JAG that the “rusty hull scrape” we stopped for in Singapore was just routine maintenance and not the signature move of a Thai hooker.

On the plus side, we might get to kick off the new year by schwacking some pirates. Since we decided to never ever again build any ships, ever, the USS Carney’s been rode hard and put away wet, but come on, the crews gotta be having fun shooting missiles at shit. If we give ‘em the ROE to launch some TLAMs at those fuck-sticks in Yemen, they probably won’t even notice that we’ve extended their deployment another 18 months.

Air Force: hey, life’s good, brah, you know? Got the B-21 in the air this year, that baby looks super-sexy just like her predecessor, and even though each one costs more than the combined GDP of sub-Saharan Africa, you can’t put a price on freedom amiright? Oh by the way, we’re gonna need about another one mil per pilot to retain folks to fly it, but gotta spend money to make money, cuz after all, as we all know, the future of aviation is absolutely expensive, exquisite, manned aircraft, no other options, nosiree.

Yeah, and we also got our man Chucky Q in as chairman of the Joint Chiefs. NBD. He’s smart, motivated, and unlike the last guy, doesn’t look like he needs to bribe the poor E1 unlucky enough to be administering his annual height/weight.

On a completely unrelated note, we’ll also be upgrading the security of our information storage by moving our JWICS data from Discord servers to War Thunder servers.

Subscribe to Premium to read the rest.