Nerd Intel Officer won’t store top secret documents outside SCIF

JOINT BASE LANGELY-EUSTIS, Va. — According to multiple cool sources, total nerd 1st Lt. Travis Lyons is such a loser that he refuses to store top secret documents anywhere but in a Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility. Although the SCIF (also referred to as “Dork Town”) is technically the only place that top secret intelligence is authorized to be stored, I mean, come on, dude.

“It didn’t take long to figure out the LT is a wet blanket,” declared Lt. Col. Edwina Buchanan, the commander of the 497^th Intelligence, Surveillance, and Reconnaissance Group, where Weenus Maximus is currently assigned. “Shortly after he PCS’d here a year ago, I was getting ready to leave for the day and he said he had to go over the end-of-day security checklist. I was like, ‘Chill out, kid. Are you part of the cool squad or not?’” Buchanan then tied a red bandanna around her head and executed a complex pop-and-lock dance procedure.

The rest of the Group also figured out what a dud he is after Lyons, also known as “Four-Eyes Poindexter,” volunteered to lead internal training following media reports that President Biden, former President Trump, and former Vice President Mike Pence had all taken classified documents to their homes.

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