Milley opens 'Joint Chiefs' cannabis shop outside Fort Myer gate

ARLINGTON, Va. - Recently-retired Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and head of all US armed forces, Gen. Mark Milley, today opened the doors to his next chapter - a cannabis dispensary called “The Joint Chiefs of Stash.”

“I am suuuuuuper baked right now, man,” Milley stated while exhaling after holding in a drag for an alarmingly long period. “Oh yeah, you wanted me to talk about my pot shop, yeah. It’s cool, huh [indecipherable coughing]?”

Between monster bong hits, coughing fits, and snacking on a bowl of Sour Patch Kids and Honey Nut Cheerios, Milley described his creative, quirky line of military-themed products.

“So, here are the sections of products, if you wanna be like all formal and businessy about it, haha,” Milley remarked while walking around his store. “Over here we got your pre-rolled stuff - Joint Stank is what I call them,” Milley continued, “and then I figured a blunt is kind of like a bunch of joints, so I call them Combined Joint Smokes, huh huh [long, deep slurp of a bong].”

Formerly a shoe repair and checks-cashed establishment just outside the gates of Fort Myer on Washington Boulevard, the building is now adorned with signs that read ‘High Command’ and ‘FM 4-20.’ The military theme pervades all corners of the shop, with bongs adapted from Drager LAR V rebreather SCUBA rigs called “CQDC: Cannabis Deep Quietus Contraption” and gummies and brownies in tan packaging labeled with the brown letters ‘ERE,’ or ‘Edible, Ready-to-Eat.’

Milley’s shop boasts several lines of flavors and cannabis concoctions:

• 18 Delta: are you in pain? Give it the special treatment with this strain that will train your body to go lethal on the ouch. May also result in Alzheimers

• Delta 8: for a deep, quiet, barely detectable, but extremely effective high that you won’t write a book about

• Hungry Ranger: looking to lean into the munchies? This will help you come up with some pretty dope snacks

• Afghan Slow-burn: avoid real talk and turn corners until you’re dizzy; this high might not end the way you want it

• Presidential Death Threat: are you trying to get faded after defending your country during an existential crisis and having your former boss call for your execution? If so, this dime bag is for you

Though Joint Chiefs of Stash is frequented by 6’0, 185-pound 19 year-olds with super short haircuts and incredible posture, Milley is emphatic that the target audience is “nearby servicemembers with a little more life experience…they could really use this stuff.”

Task Force Football Bat is pursuing a patent on everything in this article.

The Duffel Blog Staff helped with these pictures man. I don’t know. Fuck. Just, like, a lot man. Why are you so aggro about this? Seriously, like you can do anything your mind wants to if you don’t care who gets the credit. Manifest it or whatever. You want to get pizza? You got any cash?