Military spouse genitals now CAC-enabled

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THE PENTAGON – In its latest modernization effort at improving cybersecurity hygiene for military families, the Department of Defense announced that the genitalia of all military spouses will become Common Access Card-enabled by the end of the fiscal year.

”The penises and vaginas of our military family members deserve the same benefits and security features as the penises and vaginas of servicemembers themselves,” Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin said, “the latter of which have been CAC-enabled since 2014.”

When it comes to securing your spouse’s private parts during a lengthy deployment overseas, experts say there’s no better solution than multi-factor authentication.

“I used to go years without remembering the password to my wife’s ladyparts, and yet it seemed like they would still get hacked every time I deployed,” said Staff Sgt. Anthony Wright. “It might be annoying to insert my CAC and re-enter my PIN every 30 seconds during intercourse, but it’s worth it for the peace of mind and compatibility with Microsoft Office 365.”

Trials of the program thus far have been successful. However, one notable drawback is that all military spouses’ genitals will now be considered Controlled Unclassified Information, or CUI, and must be handled in accordance with strict DoD regulations. While the Defense Information Systems Agency (DISA)is still working out some bugs in the system, they say it should be fully operational by PCS season.

“Eventually, servicemembers will have full access to email, personnel records, and Tricare benefits right from the comfort of their partner’s crotch,” DISA Director Lt. Gen. Robert Skinner said. “By 2025 we hope to expand the program to include classified systems. Although, personally, my wife’s vagina has been far above my security clearance for years.”

But not all members of the DoD constellation are happy. Sergeant “Sweet Ray” Manzar, Non-Commissioned Officer in Charge of the Joint Operational Deployed Implementation Element (JODIE) decried the use of a servicemember’s CAC to secure spouses’ genitals as both an overreach and unnecessary. “Given the attention JODIE has always paid to military spouses, this is a waste of taxpayer money and a restriction of critical access.“

At press time, the Pentagon announced it would be discontinuing the use of CAC-enabled buttholes due to “rampant overuse” by Marines. 

Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of medieval and fantasy satire site Ye Olde Tyme News.