Military aide must ‘dummy cord’ nuclear football after leaving it on Biden’s Corvette

Did someone forward you this? Click here to subscribe.

THE WHITE HOUSE – Lt. Col. Jason Schmutz will be required to ‘dummy cord’ the President’s Emergency Satchel, commonly referred to as the ‘nuclear football,’ to his body after leaving it on top of President Biden’s 1967 Corvette Stingray, sources confirmed today. 

“What a f*cking newb,” White House Chief of Staff Jeff Zients told the Duffel Blog. “The nuclear football sat on the hood of the President’s ‘shaggin’ wagon’ for the better part of an hour while Schmuckatelli was stuffing his face.”

This is not the first time sensitive materials were left in the vicinity of the president’s sports car. In 2023, it came to light that President Biden had classified documents stored in his garage next to his Corvette.

“Look, Jack –  [the classified documents] were in a locked garage under a stack of Juggs magazines,” Biden told reporters. “It’s not like they were laying around the house or in a pile next to the crapper, c’mon man.”

Sources say Schmutz was eating lunch in the West Wing when he stopped eating and looked around his seat, turned pale, and ran out of the Navy Mess. By the time he reached the President’s Corvette, a Secret Service agent had secured the nuclear briefcase and handed it over to the White House Military Office sergeant major. 

“Missing something, sir?”, the sergeant major asked, the briefcase sitting on his desk next to a large spool of 550 paracord. “I spoke with the Chief of Staff and he thought it might be a good idea if we made it, uhh, a bit more difficult to leave your weapon system here behind, hooah?”

Schmutz, an Army infantry officer and former West Point rugby player, was hand-selected to be the military aide who carried the nuclear football based on his otherwise impeccable career, impressive physical stature, and ability to run two miles in under thirteen minutes. Insiders say Schmutz’s run time may slow down now that he will have the football, rumored to be a Commodore 64 computer, in the large leather satchel ‘dummy corded’ to his body at all times for the next six months - a corrective measure typically reserved for servicemembers who lose accountability of a sensitive item such as a rifle or night vision goggles.

“He messed up but I think he can still recover,” Schmutz’s colonel said as he signed career-ending UCMJ paperwork for an enlisted servicemember who lost his government cell phone. “He’s a good officer and man can he run fast.”

At press time, Schmutz was seen walking toward Marine One next to the President, the nuclear football tethered to his Army Green Service Uniform belt.

Whiskey Fueled Tirade is a retired Army guy, distilled spirit consumer, and most likely a dirty, dirty contractor. If you have a favorite whiskey, recommend it to him on X/Twitter @FueledTirade or on Bluesky at @fueledtirade.bsky.social