Acting Commandant upset he doesn’t rate Commandant office furniture

E-RING, The Pentagon – Acting Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Eric Smith is reportedly furious at being denied use of the furniture occupied by his previous boss, now-retired Gen. David Berger.

Speaking to gathered reporters, Smith said, “Bad enough I’m still the Assistant Commandant on the frickin’ website, but shitty web stuff is par for the USMC course. Plus, Lance Cpl. Santiago is still on leave so no one knows how to fix that nerd shit anyway. But did you see Berger’s frickin’ office suite compared to the garbage I had as ACMC? I mean, I had the frickin’ Vice Chief of Staff of the Air Force laid out on a bean bag the other day. Are we doing bong rips in college over here now?”

“Executive furniture, real wood, drawers that don’t stick, and no spit stains on the desk. And never mind the accent lighting on the bookshelves! I love accent lighting!”, said the man nominated to lead the Marine Corps. “It soothes me like lotion in my silkies after a PFT.”

Smith currently serves as Acting Commandant because senior military promotions are held up by Senator Tommy Tuberville (R-Beat Bama Six Times in a Row War Damn Eagle) of Alabama. According to apparently unpromotable, financially destitute senior military leaders who requested anonymity, Tuberville was elected in 2021 for the sole purpose of holding up senior military leader promotions and pay raises.

Tuberville spokesman Erskine Caldwell rejected the uncredited assertion.“Senator Tuberville just wants to see the rest of America living at Alabama’s level. Holding up nominations is just a way to move that backward movement forward. If some Marine Corps bureaucrat has to sit on a camp stool, so be it. Roll Tide!”

Responding to Smith’s complaint, Senior Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for Furnishing Affairs Ashley Sears-Roebuck said, while standing outside a discount mattress store near the Washington Navy Yard, “Office furnishings are based on seniority and position. The Marine Corps Commandant receives a specific suite of stunningly impressive executive furniture. Acting Commandants don’t get anything. It’s the law.”

After summoning a nearby group of clearly interested enlisted Marines, Smith said, “I sat in Gen. Berger’s office in a super comfy electric recliner twice a day for like, forever. I’ll be damned if I go back to that metal folding chair.”

Smith continued. “I had to bring it in from my garage and it’s rusty. My desk is a frickin’ field table I found on the curb at 8th & I. Thank goodness I was driving my Subaru Forester at the time, I’d never have gotten it into my wife’s Kia Soul.”

Later, Smith told assembled members of the press, “I still retain the authorities of the office of the commandant, so as far as budgetary matters, experimentation, changing formations, I can still do all that.”

He added, “I could also get the Colors Sergeant to move that fucking furniture out of Berger’s office and into mine. Or should I just raw dog my way into his office, huh? I could call it part of Force Design 2030, yut!”

At press time, Marine Mascot Chesty was asleep on his back on the Commandant’s couch.

Lieutenant Dan used to lead a group of company-grade Air Force officers who had all the solutions to all the world’s problems. Now retired, he rescues dogs and sings them to sleep with Air Force classics like “Trust the System” and “Don’t Fall Out of Formation.”