Marine scientists discover water also makes the grass grow

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — In a shocking discovery sure to revolutionize lawn care across the Corps, Marine scientists have announced that water – in addition to making the oceans and rivers of the world wet – also makes grass grow.

The Marines made the discovery during a routine training exercise when they noticed that the grass was growing particularly well in the immediate vicinity of the water purification unit. Intrigued, they decided to investigate further and found that water was indeed the missing ingredient in the grass-growing equation.

“Up until now, we thought that the growth of grass was solely dependent on buckets upon buckets of blood,” said Capt. B.A. “Bad Ass” Friedman, lead researcher on the project. “But our groundbreaking research shows that water is also a key factor in the growth of grass. This is truly a game-changer for the Marine Corps. We can’t wait to tell the Navy.”

“We couldn't believe it,” said Cpl. Travis Hogenboom, one of the Marines on the team. “Here we were doing combatives and pugil stick fights on the grass every morning for nothing. Turns out we were wrong this entire time, and the massive amounts of blood we left everywhere was useless. Maybe that’s why the grass is all brown. It just goes to show that you never stop learning in the Marine Corps.”

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