Breakthrough in Marine Corps technology now allows for shorts so short they reside inside the wearer’s butthole

In a groundbreaking announcement today, the Marine Corps unveiled a revolutionary new piece of technology that promises to change the way Marines run, the way they fight, and the way they pose for calendars. The Marine Corps has developed shorts so short that they actually reside inside your butthole.

Developed in response to growing concerns about heat exhaustion, other heat-related injuries, and friction burns during training exercises, the Marine Corps Uniform Board says the new shorts are designed to provide unparalleled mobility and ventilation in hot and humid environments. "We've all been there," said Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Troy Black, "you're on a field op in the middle of August, and your thighs are rubbing together so hard they could start a fire. These new shorts will solve that problem once and for all. They also look damn good worn with combat boots, rolled socks, and a sleeveless skivvie shirt!”

There are also a few initial reports from testing that the shorts also have the added benefit of making it easier for Marines to take care of business when nature calls.

"We view these new short shorts as both a safety measure to mitigate risk, and also as an opportunity to trim some fat from our budget," said Black. "By allowing our Marines to wear the absolute shortest shorts possible, we're able to maximize airflow and minimize the risk of heat-related injuries. Plus, they cost ten percent less, so we’re really saving the tax payers some cash."

"We're always looking for ways to improve the comfort and functionality of our uniforms," said Lt. Col. Johnson Doubleup, a Marine Corps public affairs officer. "These new shorts are just one example of how we're working to make the lives of our Marines more efficient."

The shorts have already begun to generate buzz among the Marine community, with some calling them "the most comfortable shorts they've ever worn" and others describing them as "basically thongs, but skivvie green."

When tested by a select group of Marines, the feedback was overwhelmingly positive. According to one anonymous Marine who participated in the testing, "At first, I was a little skeptical about wearing shorts that disappear up my butt. But once I put them on, I knew they were a game-changer. I haven’t felt this free since last spring break when we made a slip-and-slide in the barracks."

“I tried them out when I was attached to some infantry grunts. You know how those guys are,” said Lance Corporal Michelle Michaels. “They told me they wouldn’t stop if I had to pee, but I had these bad boys on and all I had to do was walk backward, rip these suckers to the side, and spray. Let me tell you, those boys didn’t doubt my commitment to the mission after that.”

Several other reports mirrored that story, with resounding support coming from across the Corps. “For a long time, I was concerned that no one could really see my moose knuckle at the gym. With these new shorts people can figure out my religion while I’m benching!” said Staff Sergeant Clayton Bonetree.

Of course, not everyone is on board with the new shorts. Some critics have raised concerns about hygiene and chafing, while others have questioned the practicality of wearing shorts that are basically inside your anal cavity.

But according to the Corps, those concerns are unfounded.

"Our Marines are tough as nails," said the spokesperson. "If they can handle the rigors of combat, they can certainly handle a little bit of discomfort from their shorts. And let’s not forget the psychological impact these shorts will have on our enemies. Would you want to get in a fist fight with a grown man or woman wearing a full kit and silkies so small they aren’t even there? Hell, I know I wouldn’t. Boom: psychological warfare."

For now, the Marine Corps is pressing ahead with its plans to roll out the new shorts to all units across the globe.