Major dies while on hold with SATO Travel

FORT BRAGG, NC — Army Maj. Alexander Stiltskin recently passed away while on hold with SATO Travel, the office responsible for assisting service members once their government travel arrangements inevitably fail or go awry.

Maj. Stiltskin is not at all the first SATO fatality. But his wife, Heidi Stiltskin, said his death, mired in such frustration, left her convicted that the tragedy might serve as a wake-up call. “I filed a Freedom of Information Act demand and discovered that the average wait for those on hold with SATO Travel is 23.3 hours. Someone should have seen this coming and taken some basic steps to prevent a tragedy. What is this, Fort Cavazos?”, she said through tears.

While SATO phone operators are renowned for being incredibly helpful once on the phone, gaining access to them is rarer than witnessing a Warrant Officer conduct physical training.

Still, waiting has value according to according to Marine Corps Training and Education Command spokesman Lt. Col. Sham Wow, “Being trapped on hold with SATO Travel has long been lauded as one of the premier endurance training experiences within the DoD. It’s right up there with Army Ranger School, Marine Mountain Leader’s Course, or listening to that twice-passed conspiracy theorist in the office that probably shouldn't have access to firearms. We make Silent Drill Team Marines stand at parade rest while on hold to get them ready for parade season.”

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