Local Man Unsure Which Global Terrorist to Sympathize With Next

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ST. LOUIS - Local resident Gary Hinkle, a 34-year-old self-described "free thinker," faces a conundrum that has left even the most open-minded community members scratching their heads. 

After spending the last year expressing his "sympathy" for figures like Osama Bin Laden and more recently Vladimir Putin, Hinkle is now lost in a moral maze, struggling to decide which global terrorist deserves his misplaced compassion next. 

"It's a tough choice, really," Hinkle sighs, while carefully dusting his collection of controversial leader figurines. "Each of these men had a dream, a vision—misguided, sure, but who am I to judge? There are two sides to every coin!”

Hinkle's quandary is emblematic of a broader, more disturbing trend in today’s society where segments of the population, disenchanted with conventional politics, have veered dangerously close to the edges of extremist ideologies.

"I find their resilience fascinating," Hinkle said, oblivious to the irony of his statement. “Sure they’re convicted war criminals guilty of killing thousands of people, but they’re people too, ya know? They deserve to have their voices heard.”

The psychological underpinnings of this phenomenon have left experts both concerned and perplexed. 

Dr. Taylor Marks, a renowned political psychologist, points out, "There's a fine line between an interest in historical villains and the outright romanticization of figures responsible for unspeakable atrocities. I mean, my barber is now offering ‘The Hitler’ haircut for Christ’s sake. Where is the line?" 

Nonetheless, for Hinkle, the appeal seems rooted in a contrarian desire to empathize with those universally condemned, a stance that brings him a sense of perverse pride. 

"Everyone loves an underdog, right?" he quipped. 

Neighbors and local community members are equally torn on how to approach Hinkle, whose eccentricity once deemed comedically harmless, now tiptoes into the realm of the socially reprehensible. 

"We used to think Gary was just into dark history. But sympathizing with terrorists? That's where I draw the line," said Mary Patterson, a concerned neighbor who once considered Hinkle's "Gulag Garden Gnome" an odd, yet harmless, quirk.

With unlimited access to both information and misinformation, individuals like Hinkle are at a greater risk of falling into echo chambers that reinforce their controversial beliefs. 

"I'm looking for someone who speaks to me, you know? Someone who challenges the status quo," Hinkle said. “Someone who just does what they want, says what they want, when they want, and how they want, without any regard for the world around them.”

In a society increasingly captivated by the cult of personality, Hinkle's search for the next figure of his misguided sympathy is more than a personal crisis—it's a symptom of a much larger, more concerning trend.

"It's just listening to their side of the story," Hinkle concluded. “Our history is filled with genocidal maniacs, most of whom are probably just misunderstood heroes.”

Clay Beyersdorfer is a writer and comedian in St. Louis. He also manages the social media accounts for Duffel Blog and is the Editor in Chief of End of the Bench, a satirical sports publication on Substack. He does not have an OnlyFans account but aspires to be good-looking enough to start one day.