Leading barracks lawyers agree Trump should go AWOL

THE BRICKS, FORCE WIDE - Following the unprecedented federal indictment of former President Donald Trump for thirty-seven violations of the Espionage Act and obstruction of justice, leading barracks lawyers are weighing in on the complex legal questions surrounding the case, concluding that the twice-impeached former leader of the free world should probably get in his lime green Dodge Charger or lowered Acura Integra or whatever badass whip a billionaire drives and “go AWOL, ASAP.”

“No cap, bro is in some serious shit,” remarked Spc. Jayden Bratton, a SAW gunner who has been promoted and demoted to his current rank three times each.

Appearing on CBS’ “Face the Nation” on Sunday, Bratton elaborated that “Dude’s already got like five strikes against him or something - an off-the-books secret sesh with the tsar of Russia, getting busted for banging that porn star — which is soooo nice, bro and should not EVEN be a crime — and inciting a mob to stop our democracy from functioning. It’s a long list.” He continued, closing his remarks by saying, “I would not want to go in front of the man for this one - I’d haul ass out the back gate about 2300 one night soon and not even look back.”

Bratton’s sentiment was shared by colleagues nationwide who appeared on news shows and wrote newspaper columns in the days following the historic legal action by the Department of Justice.

In an opinion piece for The Atlantic, Pfc. Randy DuChay considered the unique circumstances surrounding the accused and concluded flight is the former President’s best option. “He still has some money, I think. Maybe he could go live with Melania’s parents in Kosovo or wherever. I know our Brigade CSM’s driver and he said the CSM said when he was a Pfc. he was over there and the chicks were CRAZY hot, for real. I’d be all over that, dog. Bet.”

Lcpl. Finn Booth argued in The New York Times that precedent may not help Trump, who indisputably had - and lied about having - boxes, and boxes, and boxes of top secret documents laying around his house like an episode of Hoarders. But according to Booth, there are other legal avenues within which Trump may try to maneuver. “My bro in Alpha Company said his friend in the S-1 shop said he heard a guy in 3rd Battalion refused non-judicial punishment, like just didn’t do it, and straight up nothing happened.”

“Unfortunately for Mr. Trump, I do not think that precedent set in United States Marine Corps v. This Dude in 3rd Battalion will help,” Booth continued, concluding “he’s totes fucked, and should run while he still has the chance. Like, just go home and crash with your mom, y’know?”

Pvt. Brayden Petrosian, hanging outside the duty shack and on restriction after he “pissed hot”, offered that the former President of the United States of America, who does not read books, could argue that he had 500 pounds of boxes of highly sensitive national security information “because he wanted to make a fort for a nerf gun fight,” a move Petrosian felt would be “so sick.”

Writing as a group in The Wall Street Journal, leaders from Barracks Lawyers of the American Military, or BLAM, analyzed the tools at their former Commander-in-Chief’s disposal. BLAM pointed out that the man who once stared directly into a solar eclipse from the balcony of the White House could consider asking his wife to write to their congressman for help. BLAM leaders admitted confusion, however, “It’s difficult to discern who that is, but if his Senator is Congressman Matt Gaetz, then, de facto and per se, the problem is solved.”

“There is precedent here,” the BLAM article continued. “Mr. Trump should follow in the footsteps of former army private Edward Snowden and abscond into the arms of our greatest adversary. This is the best legal advice we can offer and we highly encourage him to take it to heart.”

An assembly of barracks lawyers at the smoke pit concurred with the BLAM editorial, saying, “This case is even more serious than that armory Staff Sgt. who was stealing night observation devices.” The assembled experts closed saying, “As Mr. Trump has friends abroad, he should leverage their help. He is on great terms with Vladimir Putin for no apparent reason at all and none of us are at all curious about that.”

Task Force Football Bat hopes someone tells him to boycott pants. Thunder Chicken contributed to this article. Hugs and kisses to our followers on IG!