Judge gives Coast Guard member choice between jail or joining the military

NEW YORK, N.Y. - A New York judge this week gave a Coast Guard member convicted of drunk driving a difficult choice: go to jail or join the military. 

Judge Ana Johnson handed down a 6-month sentence suspended for two years to Karl Carmichael for drunk driving, a Class A misdemeanor. If the 22-year-old were to enlist in the real military in the next month, however, Johnson would overturn any jail time.

Judges have long ordered people to “join the military or go to jail” for committing minor offenses, the logic being martial discipline and service will better set a person straight over the long term than prison.

“If you don’t enlist in 15 days, you can report to the Dutchess County Jail,” Johnson said. “You can’t just pretend you’re in the military anymore Mr. Puddle Pirate.”

Driving a lifted Ford Raptor bearing a “Support Search and Rescue, Get Lost” bumper sticker, Carmichael was returning to “base or whatever you call it” from a night out in October when he was pulled over by a Beacon police officer. At that point, Carmichael displayed his Coast Guard ID at which point the officer laughed in his face and handcuffed him. 

From the witness stand Officer Anna Karnov said, “Though Carmichael’s vehicle was driving at a legal speed, I had to pull him over for having such a smug bumper sticker,” the lawsuit states. “I’m prior Army and can’t tolerate that kind of poser douchiness.”

While in custody, Carmichael allegedly said things like “But we have a boot camp!” and “We actually do our job every day and don’t train for some war!” to the officer, referencing Section 14 of United States Code 101. En route to jail, Karnov said she was forced to repeatedly tell Carmichael to, “Shut up nerd!”. 

“You made a terrible choice and now you’re provided an opportunity to finally serve your country,” Johnson said during Carmichael’s sentencing. “This is a second chance to figure out what it means to wear a uniform and pretend you’re doing something noble.”

Judge Johnson’s offer to Carmichael initially stirred controversy among military recruiters regarding enlisting a criminal. However, when they discovered it was only a DUI, they commented, “Oh, that’s okay; we give ribbons out for shit like that.” 

At the height of the War on Terror, military officials were providing thousands of moral waivers for enlistments, for things such as drug offenses and violent felonies. One of them, John Minor, ended up driving a tank into a KFC in 2016. 

Carmichael will almost certainly attempt to join one of the respective military services. It’s likely not the last time a member of the US Coast Guard will have to choose whether to waste away in jail or waste away while getting paid for it. 

Slab Squatthrust needs to come alongside to check your cargo hold.