Bipartisanship! Congress funds monument to all the allies it’s screwed over

WASHINGTON, DC — Congress has become a byword for fiscal and legislative gridlock, but in a recent rare glimmer of bipartisan unity the Senate and House passed a bill in less than two hours—quickly signed into law by President Biden—to fund a new monument on the Washington Mall dedicated to the many allies and partners that the United States has short-changed, waffled on, or otherwise abandoned in living memory.

“It’s great to see that those of us doing the people’s work can still find common ground,” stated Senator J.D. Vance, one of the lead co-sponsors of the bill “Bipartisan Infrastructure Guidance—Foreigners Used for Convenient Killing by Us,” or S.2974 BIG FUCK U for short. “The fact that the legislative and executive branches could pass this bill in record time shows that more things bring us together than separate us. In this case, members of both parties agree that if there’s one element of our foreign policy that deserves to be enshrined for decades to come, it’s leaving our allies overseas to take it up the ass when we get bored of the wars we ask them to fight for us.”

Representative Pramila Jayapal, who helped write the House’s version of the bill, shared the same sentiment. “I’ve shared many disagreements with my colleagues on the other side of the aisle over the years, be it over Social Security, immigration, or whether Israeli women raped by terrorists kinda had it coming,” said Jayapal at the signing ceremony. “And when Ukrainian president Zelensky visited just before Christmas, I just assumed we’d be having those arguments all over again. So I was pleasantly surprised when J.D. popped into my office after the new year and pitched giving our allies the BIG FUCK U. It captured the essence of our nation’s activities abroad. Doesn’t matter if you’re black or white, red or brown, Christian, Muslim, or Jew: so long as you’re not an American, someday the U.S. of A.’s gonna send you the Unlubed Dildo of Consequences for trusting us.”

White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre quickly released a short response to Rep. Jayapal’s comments, noting that the Biden administration has not discriminated between shafting Americans and non-Americans caught in difficult circumstances abroad. “Russia, Iran, and Hamas are all holding American citizens hostage,” Jean-Pierre proudly observed. “This monument is for them too.”

Senator Vance told reporters that while passing S.2974 proved relatively effortless, the bill’s sponsors had a difficult time settling on the final design. “There were just so many options to choose from,” he said. “We knew right away that we’d have to limit the design proposals to only post-World War II conflicts, otherwise we’d be drowning in them just like a woman and kid in the Rio Grande. But that still left us with a lot of hard choices.”

The proposals captured the pantheon of American stick-to-it-iveness-unless-it’s-basic from the late 20th and early 21st centuries. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell submitted a sketch of a flotilla of Vietnamese boat people—inspired, he said, by his 37 days of military service during the Vietnam War. The George H. W. Bush Presidential Library’s proposal, by contrast, was more minimalist, featuring a single gas mask half-submerged in a drained swamp. Former President Obama announced that while he would not be submitting a proposal, he would nevertheless auction off a Lakers jersey signed by Kobe Bryant to raise funds for the memorial. Renowned artist Hunter Biden, honoring his father’s foreign policy achievements, proffered a vibrant and ambitious blueprint for an animatronic C-17 with bodies falling from its wheel well. The younger Biden’s design was ultimately dismissed for an unexplained line item simply labeled ‘Big Guy.’ 

Even newly minted House Speaker Mike Johnson got in on the action with a clay model of ISIS jihadists throwing gay men off the roof of a building—“just like my favorite parts of the Bible,” said the Speaker.

In the end, the design committee settled on a human fist, middle finger extended skyward, on a rotating base that would allow the finger to face all points of the compass. “With all the wokerati demanding inclusiveness, we didn’t want any part of the globe we’ve boned raw to feel excluded,” Vance stated as he made his way to the ground-breaking ceremony. “I can honestly say I don’t think I’ll ever accomplish anything greater than what I’ve done with sending the BIG FUCK U to our allies, except maybe win a beard-off with that fraud Zelensky. Happy fucking new year, son! We’ll spend our hard-earned, China-loaned dollars any way we want. And sure, we built a shiny new monument instead of sending you air defense missiles, but look at the bright side—it means you’ve got one less Paw Patrol cake you gotta buy.”

Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.