Green Beans Coffee stokes tensions in South China Sea

FRESH KITCHEN, The Pentagon – Chef, fitness fanatic, barista, government destabilizing agent, and president of the international Green Beans Coffee expansion project, Robert Irvine is implementing a plan to expand opportunities and increase market share for Green Beans by starting a land war in Asia.

The Menacing of Arch China or “MOAC,” is a base of the National Defense Strategy with four shots of fear-mongering mixed in. While the goal is a near-peer engagement with China, and/or 5,432 Green Beans coffee locations by 2035, Irvine is on track to hit the key road-to-war benchmark of 3,200 caramel frappes in the Straits of Taiwan by fiscal year 2025.

“No one stops Robert Irvine when he wants something,” said Robert Irvine as he did farmer carries with 80kg of Fit Crunch in each hand. “First, I controlled the military-industrial caffeine complex. Now I control the narrative.”

With the end of the Global War on Terror, sales of Green Beans Coffee, Rip-it, Otis Spunkmeyer muffins, A-10 Warthogs, and exchange select wet wipes have fallen to an all-time low. As these industries fall precariously close to collapse, each has had to find a new business model and market. Only Green Beans Coffee has had the courage to double down on its previous “War! What is it Good For? Us!” business model by actually working to foment a shooting war with China.

Irvine, known best for his Food Network appearances, has been making the rounds on Fox News to opine on China’s growing global influence, rare earth minerals, the Wuhan virus, and co-branding opportunities between Restaurant: Impossible and Green Beans Coffee.

Flexing hard for a full lat spread display in the Pentagon Athletic Center, Irvine spoke over his shoulder while saying, “The average Chinese guy? Not a big guy at all. Likely can’t squat more than 225. And between the MSG and sodium in the average Chinese menu? Any high-intensity war should be America by a walk. Are you done with that bench?”

Irvine’s campaign seems to be working. Within the Pentagon, sources who asked to remain anonymous confirmed that pages 286-372 of the National Military Strategy were copied directly from a napkin Irvine slid to Lt. Gen. Douglas A. Sims II, Joint Staff Director for Operations under a gluten-free crust fig and bacon pizza with caramelized onions during the war fighter’s pizza party. Sims was last seen wandering down the E ring in a daze, following the scent of a maple walnut blondie that Irvine threw like a flare.

“We plan for large-scale operations against China, the threat we assess as our most likely peer threat,” said Vice Adm. Stephen T. "Web" Koehler Director for Strategy, Plans and Policy, J5 at a daily Pentagon Press briefing. “But through strategic deterrence, we ensure that the day never arrives that we are forced to sacrifice America’s blood and treasure to preserve our freedom and way of… Wow! Is that a large iced MOAC with a shot of vanilla and whipped cream on top? I haven’t seen one of those since I was a Lt. Commander spending all my days in one of the thirty-seven reasonably priced Baghdad Green Zone Green Beans.”

Irvine has admirers outside of the Pentagon as well.

“We all look up to Robert and what he’s accomplished at Green Beans, we really do,” said Anthony Breadsticknello, founder of Anthony’s Pizza. “I got locations in every PX in the country and even in Japan, but then I started to think I was flying too close to the sun. Robert ignores that instinct. He really goes for it. Just don’t ask who is building those artificial islands or why you suddenly can’t find the banana pecan FitCrunch anymore.”

Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd