General Zod escapes Phantom Zone; claims USMC Commandancy

THE PENTAGON, Washington, DC—The Senate’s hold on confirming senior military leaders took a new turn today when it was revealed that the empty portrait frame of the Marine Corps Commandant had inadvertently released Kryptonian General Zod and his staff from their imprisonment in the Phantom Zone. Upon learning that there was an empty office in the Marine Corps portion of the E-Ring, Zod announced that he would assume responsibilities as the 39th Commandant of the Marine Corps.

“My Commandant’s Planning Guidance is simple,” the Kryptonian declared. “‘Kneel Before Zod.’ In the coming months, I will release my refined Force Design strategy, which is mostly ‘Kneeling Before Zod.’ In this time of transition, I want to keep things simple, breaking it down Bizarro-style just like I did for the Lance Cpls. of the Kryptonian Military Guild back home.”

When asked to comment on his apparent loss of authority, acting Commandant General Eric Smith demurred. “Myself, the actually confirmed service chiefs, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and Secretary of Defense Austin have all been clear that the Senate’s failure to confirm nominated candidates would have consequences,” Smith stated. “I mean, that’s how I phrased it to Senator Tuberville during formal hearings. When I passed him in the Capitol’s hallway on my way out, I said he was currently in the ‘fuck around’ phase, and he’d ‘find out’ soon enough. Now, here we are. Kneeling before Zod.”

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