General Berger joins fellow retirees in bashing FD 2030

QUANTICO, Va. — Only hours after being “clapped out” of the Pentagon, outgoing Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. David Berger, announced his staunch opposition to the Marine Corps’ controversial Force Design 2030 during a reception held at the Globe and Laurel Restaurant,

As the Marine Corps Band played Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Free Bird,” Berger raised a glass of wine provided by BAE Systems, brandished his DD-214, and said, “As a now-retired Marine Corps General and former Commandant, I feel ethically bound to oppose this short-sighted plan that fails to ensure the Marine Corps remains suspended in the state established in 1983.”

Holding a plate of crudités provided by General Dynamics Land Systems, Berger continued, “Traditionally, by which I mean since 1775, when a Marine General officer retires, he or she respects the dignity of the rank by continuing to live by the same unwritten code of behavior expected of serving officers. You know, shit like vigorously debating plans up until an order is given, then violently executing that order rather than sharpshooting courses of action already supported by Congress. Or hell, I don’t know, not writing a stunningly amateurish series of articles the Marine Corps Gazette wouldn't publish. At a minimum, you don’t do shit you would have keelhauled anyone for doing in your own formation.”

Berger drained his glass of wine.

“I figured that’s what I would do, too. But the last four years have taught me that as a retired general, I owe America the service of joining my fellow retirees in publicly ripping that boot-ass ‘Acting Commandant’ Eric Smith and his dangerous Force Design 2030 to shreds, even before he’s actually confirmed, whenever that may be.”

As people standing at the CACI, Inc. sponsored open bar signaled wildly for Berger to be quiet, he continued. “I cannot allow our Corps to be destroyed by modernizing systems, dedicating Marines to new missions in response to National Security Strategy direction, or leveraging innovative tactics and technologies. I’ll tell you what we need to do. We need to return to the age-old concept of fighting the last war!”

Pointing at a table of retired USMC generals, Berger said, “You guys know what I’m talking about. You guys have a hell of a success record. Vietnam, Lebanon, Somalia, Iraq, Afghanistan? Looking back, I realize I should have focused on a new PT uniform or some shit like you did.” Berger then sang out, cadence style, “It was good for Chesty Puller and it’s good enough for me!”

The table of generals stood unsteadily and offered an “Ooh-rah!” before being escorted to the Lockheed Martin-sponsored “quiet room.”

Asked whether he felt he was throwing Gen. Smith under the bus, Berger replied, “I’d throw him under a tank but we ain’t got any left.” Berger concluded his speech by building upon comments previously made in a recent Marine Corps Times interview.

“I look at retirement as a pie with three pieces. One piece of the pie is family, and by family, I mean the aerospace and defense industry as a whole. The second piece is, of course, bashing FD 2030 and conducting personal attacks on the sitting Commandant. And the final piece of the pie is pie. Loads of pie. Blueberry, pumpkin, key lime, banana cream, lemon meringue, you name it.” Setting his wine glass down on a table filled with Northrop Grumman gift bags, Berger extended his thumbs, pointed them at his face, and yelled, “Hey, who’s got two thumbs and has taken his last PFT? This motherfucker right here!”

Standing near the Raytheon Technologies dessert table, 37th Commandant, retired Gen. Robert Neller, laughed and spit out an epic lip of Copenhagen when asked for comment about the wisdom of FD2030. “You tell me. I added one grunt to each rifle squad. Berger got rid of three fucking battalions of MPs. He did it. That crazy bastard actually did it.”

Sir Rucks-A-Lot and Thunder Chicken are currently inside the Weapons Engagement Zone, relying on individual discipline and fieldcraft to avoid discovery while waiting to destroy enemy shipping with knives.