E4 Mafia tries to submit ‘alternate slate of evaluators’ for promotion board

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JOINT BASE SAN ANTONIO-RANDOLPH, Texas — Controversy erupted this morning when members of the Junior Enlisted Servicemembers Union, better known as the “E4 Mafia,” stormed the Air Force Personnel Center to install an “alternate slate of evaluators” that would decide future promotions, sources confirm.

A mob of senior airmen on TDY orders rampaged the halls in a quest to unceremoniously retire Brig. Gen. Jefferson O’Donnell, who oversees promotion boards. “A few of them entered our campus saying they wanted to visit our ‘Coffee Bound’ boutique,” the general told a public affairs influencer on a NIPRNET livestream. “They held the doors open for the rest of their gang.”

This attempt to overthrow a military promotion board comes on the third anniversary of The Fall of Congress, when a mob of people whose lips move when they read marched on the Capitol to overthrow democracy and lynch Vice President Mike Pence in support of then-President Donald Trump.

Leading the mob was E4 Mafia enforcer and Air Force Senior Airman Butch Hawke. “We usually don’t give a fuck,” he bragged to the public affairs influencer, “but a totally corrupt board in November rewarded 437 assholes out of 506 senior master sergeants selected for promotion. We had to do something, fam.”

Junior enlisted members quickly seized the facility as no first sergeant was on duty, O’Donnell told the livestream audience. “Our ‘diamond’ mysteriously received TDY orders for a Space Force base near Disney World and was authorized to bring his family and quarter off-base,” the general said.

The mob was on the verge of appointing its alternate slate of evaluators when Command Chief Master Sergeant Edwin Ludwigsen took decisive action. “I heard a commotion and stepped out of my office to see what was up,” he said. “That’s when I bumped into 374 senior airmen with no supervisor. I know from experience that’s not good.”

Ludwigsen grabbed Hawke by the neck and told the gaggle of airmen, “You can start adulting by returning to your bases of origin. No loitering in the smoke pit, and don’t you dare spit dip on my grass.” As the airmen turned to leave, Ludwigsen was heard over the NIPRNET livestream, shouting, “Who said ‘simp chief don’t own a home’? Who said that?”

Brandon “Wintergreen” Hoffman, the nation’s first E4 Senator, went on Fox News to praise the alternate slate of evaluators. “Today’s military promotion boards are corrupt,” he told a news anchor. “Those airmen demonstrated great initiative when they rose up to fix the fraudulent promotion process.”

Hoffman then turned to face the camera. “May these Airmen go home with love & in peace,” he said. “Remember this day forever!”

Hawke insisted today’s failure would not hamper the E4 Mafia’s vision statement to achieve net-zero oxygen thieves. “We’ve arranged for the Army RIF board to send home a certain West Point cadet, no cap,” he shouted over the NIPRNET livestream as Ludwigsen read out his Article 31 rights. “We’re going to drain the swamp, you hear me?”

Robin Berger is a retired E4 Mafioso who believes junior enlisted deserve a say in who makes top sergeant.