Douglas Macgregor Insists Satan Has “Perfectly Defensible Reasons” in War for Human Souls

ARLINGTON, Va. - Retired U.S. Army Col. Douglas Macgregor insisted in an interview with commentator Tucker Carlson on X (formerly Twitter) that Satan has “perfectly defensible reasons” for waging what Macgregor characterized as “the eternal battle for human souls”. The former senior adviser to the (acting) Secretary of Defense made clear that although he [The Prince of Darkness] had something of a checkered past, what with sentencing humans to eternal hellfire for their misdeeds, Satan had his reasons. “I don’t think I can exaggerate when I say Lucifer was baited into this whole thing. He’s been wronged and unfairly treated by the supreme being who promised that he was the superior being, only to be repeatedly betrayed in having that very same being make mankind—however imperfect—the chosen people. Something has got to give. Satan is only acting in self-defense.” 

When pressed about Satan’s misdeeds and repeated use of deceit, manipulation, and temptation in the ongoing eternal struggle, Macgregor demurred. “We have forced his hand. Besides this war is nearly finished, if not over already. Humanity cannot hope to survive Satan’s temptations.” 

In other news, the Supreme Being—sometimes referred to as “God”—reportedly vacillated regarding giving humanity the aid it required in time to make a difference against the unrelenting advances of Hell’s forces. According to Heaven’s official statement, humanity could receive what it needed possibly sometime in Spring 2024—but only if they didn’t really want to save their eternal souls or were wearing white after Labor Day-, humanity having prayed for it in literally every language possible since Winter 2022.

The Duffel Blog Staff will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.