Donald Trump forced to move to barracks following NJP

CAMP DAVID, Catoctin, Md. — In a negotiated agreement, after lawyers asked for an indefinite delay of proceedings against him the former President, Commander-in-Chief, and presumed 2024 Republican nominee, the legal woes of Donald Trump came to an unexpected end today. On the advice of noted legal expert and not-at-all-crazy person Rudy Giuliani, Trump accepted non-judicial punishment from Marine Capt. Dylan Waddle.

As counseled by 1st Sgt. Archie Henderson, Trump stood at parade rest with his eyes focused on the wall two feet above Waddle’s head as the Commanding Officer of Marine Security Company-Camp David sentenced the former commander-in-chief to the absolute maximum punishment available at company level NJP — 14 days barracks restriction, 14 days of extra duty, and forfeiture of 7 days pay. Trump will spend two weeks checking in with the Sergeant of the Guard hourly, trimming hedges, and painting parking blocks. The pay forfeiture will cost Trump $7671.23 or 3.3 months’ worth of Lance Corporals.

Outside the company office, Trump excoriated Waddle. “Waddle — and I call him that because he’s slow and big-time uncoordinated on the PFT run — is a raging and uncontrolled Trump-hater, as is his wife, who is not anything to look at by the way. Unlike 1st Lt. Steven’s total smoke show of a girlfriend. That’s the extra duty Trump would like if you know what I mean,” Trump paused and pointed at a nearby squad of Marines nodding their heads and bumping fists. “Waddle and Henderson treated me unfairly — more unfairly than Pfc. Stark got for a DUI in my opinion. It’s a witch hunt of course but I accepted NJP because only I can make sure the company sidewalks get edged the way we used to do it before the Marxists took over.”

Trump then received a set of sheets that would prove too short for the barracks bed and a steel wool brush for scraping mold off the walls from Company Police Sergeant Nate Chumash.

“Between us and Alvin Bragg, we initially planned to prosecute Mr. Trump to the fullest extent of New York, federal, and possibly Martian law,” said Department of Justice Special Counsel Jack Smith. “We were also reviewing old letters of marque from the reign of Charles II, you know, just throwing stuff at the wall to see what stuck.”

But Smith says when Trump’s attorneys quietly approached him with an offer to accept non-judicial punishment under the auspices of his former role as commander-in-chief, he immediately thought, “Hahaha! Got ‘eem!”.

Placing a giant purple dildo into a care package addressed to “Lord God Emperor Trump in care of Captain Dylan ‘Dipshit’ Waddle,” Smith said, “I have an old pal who spent 30 years as a Marine JAG officer and he filled me in on what you can do to someone under NJP. Jesus, if the civilian legal system had half a commanding officer’s NJP authority, we’d cure recidivism once and for all. And given that President Trump’s only past experience with military law was finding draft exemptions for bone spurs, we figured we could really put his nuts in a vise that he’d never see coming.”

After he referred Trump’s case to the local Marine Reserve Staff Judge Advocate (SJA), Smith developed his prosecutorial strategy. “Trump’s all about bigly-sounding titles, right? Like ‘The Don’ or ‘MAGA King’ or ‘Tangerine Palpatine.’ So we figured the first deal we’d tee up was a small reduction in rank, you know, from commander-in-chief to lieutenant-in-chief. What my Marine buddy called a ‘throwaway COA’ or something. Trump’s lawyers rejected that right away, as we expected. So then we offered company NJP and a two-week stint in the barracks which we may have implied was basically a hotel. The Master of the Art of the Deal jumped all over that.” Bragg paused, a mischievous smile crossing his face. “And then the SJA told him what the barracks was like.”

Smith noted that Trump had initially tried to flee the company headquarters after learning that not only was there no room service at the barracks but he’d be forced to clean everything up after his room was tossed by a senior Lance Corporal on duty. The former president calmed down somewhat after being told that he would still have access to adult entertainment, though Smith acknowledged he omitted “the fact that the nearest strip club was the Lust Club in Martinsburg, West Virginia which gets 3.6 stars on Google.”

As Trump walked to the barracks escorted by Sgt. Chumash, he appeared subdued. Nonetheless, he smiled noting that he still had his luxurious hair “unlike Capt. High and Stupid Waddle.”

“If only he knew,” Smith snorted. “I called ahead — Pfc. Chao is waiting on the third deck with the barracks’ dullest, rustiest communal clippers freshly dipped in bleach.”

Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.