DOD reunites Jeff and Tina to open a can of whoop ass on leakers

THE PENTAGON - Potential leakers in the Department of Defense now have to fear something far more intimidating than heavy fines, prosecution, and prison.

Jeff and Tina are back.

“A string of damaging and embarrassing incidents show that the force lost the message from our previous online security training,” said Charles Freed, the Undersecretary of Defense for Frequently Ignored Training (USD-FIT). “So, we’re bringing back Jeff and Tina to implement a more forceful approach to making people aware that they can’t do things that make us cyber vulnerable, like share untold numbers of classified documents with fellow video game nerds or apply to be a contract killer at satirical websites.”

“I’m back, I’m pissed, and I’m armed with an entire damn closet full of ass kicking sweater vests,” said Jeff, previous star of the popular DOD Cyber Awareness Challenge.

Jeff said his USD-FIT charter is designing a training program that goes beyond merely informing users about proper procedures. “People blew off my rewards for doing things right,” he said. The new “Security Trauma Challenge” will use negative reinforcement techniques to associate security violations with significant physical and emotional stress.

“Get ready, assholes,” Jeff said, “the questions in my new challenge are so tough that test users got migraines! We are verbally berating people who are slow to answer and wrong answers earn them an electric shock through the keyboard or mouse! Hell, sometimes I will go out and physically kick people’s asses just for fun,” he said, pulling a set of brass knuckles from his cardigan pocket.

“With this new challenge, people will feel fear, pain, and probably lose control of their bowels at even contemplating bad cyber security,” Jeff said. “And I’m cool with that. Brain aneurysms and PTSD are a small price to pay to prevent leaks, much less stolen BlackBerrys.” Looking puzzled, he asked, “How do we still even have BlackBerrys?”

The program also features the return of his fellow former Cyber Challenge star Tina, known for her illegal file sharing and good-natured stalking. Tina will personally tutor employees whose online training records indicate they need extra help.

“People didn’t fear shaming through our computer training,” Tina said. “Now, they better fear me appearing over cubicle walls and being their best fucking friend for a while.”

Freed said initial testing is proving the effectiveness of this two-tiered approach.

“She sure scared the shit out of me,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, describing a visit from Tina after he admitted mindlessly clicking through his security training while, “on hold for another fricking call from Tom Cotton complaining about wokeness.”

“First, how the hell did Tina get into my office?” he said. “Suddenly she’s in there peppering me with security questions about sharing music files. Who even does that anymore?”

Tina also followed Austin to lunch at the Pentagon food court. “She totally ruined my Subway turkey club with extra bacon and bag of baked Lay’s,” he said. “I guess the days of scanning in last year’s certificate with the date changed are over.”

Austin said the encounter led him to regard information security much more seriously, and to move his office to a cubicle in the Pentagon’s basement.

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