DOD: Maybe this Osprey thing was actually a bad idea?

DALLAS, Tx. – In a moment of rare introspection, the U.S. military is reportedly considering the once-unthinkable: maybe the V-22 Osprey, the infamous tilt-rotor aircraft, wasn't such a great idea after all. 

The soul-searching comes after decades of defending the aircraft's exorbitant costs, high-profile crashes, and tendency to be more temperamental than a two-star general passed over for that third star.

The Osprey was originally pitched as the aviation equivalent of a Swiss Army knife but turned out to be more of a military-grade plastic spork — expensive, not particularly good at any one thing, and prone to snapping under pressure.

“We thought it was going to revolutionize modern warfare,” said General Bud Overcost, who recently took over the program. “But in hindsight, it seems to have revolutionized military budget overruns and crash investigation procedures instead. We thought modeling a military aircraft off of a cool toy from the G.I. Joe cartoons would work. But, well. Here we are.”

Originally touted for its ability to take off like a helicopter, fly like a plane, and float like a rock, the Osprey has had a turbulent history, much like an actual osprey attempting to navigate a hurricane. Its development was akin to a government-funded season of ‘Game of Thrones,’ complete with soaring costs, unexpected plot twists, and a soaring body count.

Critics of the Osprey program are now feeling vindicated. “We've been saying this for years,” exclaimed Senator Penny Wise (R-AZ), Chairwoman of the Senate Appropriations Committee. “For what we spent on the Osprey, we could’ve bought every soldier a private jet and a timeshare in the Bahamas.”

Supporters of the program have argued that the Osprey’s unique design and capabilities justify the cost. “Sure, it’s a little pricey,” said Col. Chase Jobbs , a long-time advocate of the Osprey program. “But can you really put a price tag on an aircraft that can take off vertically, fly horizontally, and crash diagonally?”

In response to the criticism, the military has launched a comprehensive review to determine whether the V-22 Osprey program should continue, be modified, or be replaced with something less ambitious, like a fleet of really fast hot air balloons.

At press time, sources reported that a rogue group of engineers was seen pitching a new concept to the Pentagon: a flying tank that doubles as a submarine and triples as a coffee shop.

As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.