DoD asks Israel, Hamas to move Intifada to Pacific

ARLINGTON, Va. – Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has reportedly asked Hamas military chief Muhammad Deif and Israeli Defense Minister Yoav Gallant if it would be possible to move the Third Intifada from southern Israel to a location within Indo-Pacific Command, Duffel Blog has learned.

“I understand the logistical difficulties that any relocation would create,” said Austin according to a transcript of one of the calls. “However, our rebalancing of forces and growing recruiting limitations mean it is no longer feasible to give CENTCOM the attention we have given it for the previous several decades. It would be far more convenient to us if all belligerents involved in the Third Intifada could agree to move hostilities to a new warzone somewhere in INDOPACOM. We have identified several locations with all the prerequisites for a supportable Intifada. For example, Australia's Northern Territory includes a mixture of inhospitable deserts and pockets of defenseless noncombatants that all parties to this conflict would find comfortably familiar.”

Shortly after learning of Austin's calls, Australian Defense Minister Richard Marles responded with unqualified opposition.

"As we've repeatedly told our counterparts in Washington, Northern Australia simply does not have the logistical capacity they believe it does. It isn't simply a question of putting a measuring tape on a globe to determine operational reach, we would estimate that an area such as Darwin is only capable at a maximum of accommodating the relocation of an approximately battalion-sized rock fight between Indian and Chinese troops."

Austin has suggested that the relocation need not be to a location within Indo-Pacific Command, just one that is close enough to be supportable for US forces.

"We aren't saying it has to be fought along the demilitarized zone on the Korean Peninsula, although we would certainly support that if both parties could agree. A location on the edge of INDOPACOM like Eastern Pakistan would also be much more favorable," said Austin.

"I think even the far eastern edge of AFRICOM, like Somalia, could be done. We’ve done those rehearsals," he added.

In response to Austin's proposal, Hamas and the Israeli Defense Forces issued a rare joint statement opposing any relocation of the Third Intifada to any place that does not have at least monthly terrorist attacks, a politically powerful Jewish minority, a violent and heavily armed underclass, endemic humanitarian problems, and that is not bizarrely treated as a tourist destination by Americans despite a proven track record as a terrorist training center.

However, it seems unlikely that the Department of Defense will be able to find such a venue for the Third Intifada, as the deep political rift between the Biden Administration and Governor Ron DeSantis makes it unlikely DeSantis will agree to the use of Florida.