Department of Defense: "We're not smart enough to run a Taylor Swift PSYOP."

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DIVE BAR ON THE EAST SIDE, Washington, D.C. — Following the Baltimore Ravens’ bold decision to stop playing good football in the third quarter of the AFC Championship last week, a flurry of online outrage erupted as right-wing incels were forced to watch footage of a healthy and mutually respectful heterosexual relationship. The same commentators normally enraged by anything other than “one man, one woman” relationships now allege that billionaire pop star Taylor Swift is a Pentagon-sponsored psychological operations asset secretly planted to secure a reelection victory for President Joe Biden.

“You know what, I really thought we were done with this shit,” said Pentagon spokesman Maj Gen Pat Ryder. “Seriously, just say that out loud and tell me what part of it sounds plausible. Taylor Swift is talented, successful, and happy. Do any of those words sound like the Defense Department to you?”

Deputy Secretary of Defense Kathleen Hicks tweeted a similar statement from an undisclosed location code-named the Puertogon:

Jonathan Majors was unavailable for comment and is expected to be so for up to a year after February 6, 2024. But noted defense strategist Charlie Kirk—whose military accomplishments include almost going to West Point and stroking it to Donald Trump’s machine gun employment while riding a dinosaur—warned that Swift’s involvement in politics could lead to a tsunami in favor of Biden. Kirk’s fellow Trump analinguist Benny Johnson claimed that Swift’s relationship with the Pentagon went back to 2019, with the pop star’s global tour becoming suspiciously lucrative in the years following. Maj Gen Ryder was quick to push back on these assessments.

“Yeah, Taylor’s made a lot of money. She writes catchy music, established good oversight over her property rights, and has a smile that can light up a whole town. Meanwhile, our people lose their shit at you if you point at a dolphin, in the last six months we lost oversight of both our most expensive aircraft and our civilian leader, and our generals smile like they’ve got a coat made from the skin of dead hookers. Jesus Christ, I wish we had Taylor on our payroll, it’d make explaining why we couldn’t tell an enemy drone from a friendly one so much easier.”

Sergeant Major Troy Black, Senior Enlisted Advisor to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, long known as a Swiftie, confessed he had encouraged an initiative by the J-8 to use Taylor Swift as a way to relate to prospective recruits. But, he noted, selecting a one-star who regularly forgot the password to his BlackBerry throttled the program in its cradle.

“I went to the J-8 one day to see if the general was ready for it. And there he was wandering through the office in a daze yelling, ‘Hey Teufels, any, er, Swifters in these parts? We gotta get involved in this Errors Tour before she plays the Superbowl. We need some AI and machine learning on this, maybe some chainblocks! Hey, Captain, you’re young. Make a Tumblr or send a Facebook about it.’ Oh, and he’d gotten the Lock Screen on his BlackBerry—again. I was like, this is exhausting, you know?”

At press time, President Biden—in between releasing written statements telling Iranian militias to stop killing American soldiers or they’d be on the receiving end of strongly worded written statements—released a written statement praising the positive influence of Ms. Swift’s artistic work but assuring her he needed no help winning reelection.

“We already have a covert agent in place to undermine Mr. Trump’s campaign,” the statement read, “and we are confident that code-name VIVACIOUS RAMSBOTTOM will continue the Pentagon’s fine tradition of lighting buckets of money on fire to no effect.”

Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.

Blondes over Baghdad contributed to this story