‘Declaration of Military Accountability’ Written Entirely in Comic Sans

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In what experts are calling a bold move blending bureaucratic bravado with kindergarten chic, over 200 active and retired service members have signed an open letter, titled 'Declaration of Military Accountability,' in the universally beloved font Comic Sans.

The letter, which demands accountability from the Department of Defense for enforcing the COVID-19 vaccine mandate on service members, has been described by many as "a visual assault on seriousness," and "the typographical equivalent of a clown car." The mandate led to the vaccination of approximately 98 percent of active-duty troops and the exit of nearly 8,400 vaccine objectors, but was dropped earlier this year after creating a myriad of controversies.

In an exclusive interview with Duffel Blog, conducted as he sipped from a 'Look at Me' mug, Brad Miller, the former Army officer who organized the writing and signing of the letter said, "We wanted to make a statement that couldn't be ignored. What better way than using the font usually reserved for bake sale flyers and lost cat posters?”. Asked for comment, a Department of Defense spokesperson texted both facepalm and eyeroll emojis in response.

Posted on social media platform X (formerly known as Twitter), the letter cries foul over alleged "unwilling medical experimentation" and the "suppression of the free exercise of religion," among other accusations typically reserved for dystopian novels and things actually worth everybody’s time. The letter also accuses top military leaders, including Gen. Mark Milley and Gen. James McConville, of betrayal and causing "irreparable harm to the Armed Forces." Critics argue that the irreparable harm might be to the eyes of anyone attempting to read the multi-page diatribe in its chosen font.

"We're taking a stand," continued Miller. "And if that means using a font that screams, 'I still use Internet Explorer,' then so be it."

Among the letter’s signatories are military veterans running for Congress, including former Navy SEAL Cameron Hamilton (R-VA), who is a former Navy SEAL, and Chris Coulombe (R-CA) who is not and therefore barely deserving of mention.

"It was an easy decision to sign this," former Navy SEAL Hamilton remarked, likely unaware of the Comic Sans controversy, despite having a former Navy SEAL’s fondness for using fonts as part of the published word. Coulombe added, "We're calling for real accountability, no more nonsense!", a statement undermined somewhat by the whimsical whirls of the letter's characters.

As the military community reels from the visual impact of the letter, experts warn that the next open letter could be penned in Papyrus, or worse, Wingdings.

Duffel Blog will have more on this story as the nation waits with bated breath and a stockpile of migraine medication.

Clay Beyersdorfer is a writer and comedian in St. Louis. He also manages the social media accounts for Duffel Blog and is the Editor in Chief of End of the Bench, a satirical sports publication on Substack. He does not have an OnlyFans account but aspires to be good-looking enough to start one day.