Crossfit LLC wins contract to take Air Force officer fitness tests

THE PENTAGON, Arlington, Va. — Top Air Force officials held a press conference today in the Pentagon Athletic Center to unveil a new 'ContractorFit' program for officer fitness tests.

"Airmen are some of the most overworked individuals in the U.S. military,” Secretary of the Air Force Frank Kendall III told reporters who were blocking the running track. “This contract returns valuable time to their busy schedules.”

Acting Chief of Staff General David W. Allvin revealed 'ContractorFit' was awarded to CrossFit LLC. “Their CEO is a Marine veteran,” he said. “I can’t think of a better contractor to take on the rigors of an Air Force workout.”

The idea was the brainstorm of a pregnant colonel assigned to the Air War College whose term paper, “Every Aviator at the gym is one less Aviator on the flight line,” quickly reached Kendall’s desk. “The benefits seem obvious in hindsight,” said the West Point alumni, “because officers will no longer have to deal with tedious exercise rituals graded by junior NCOs."

In the trial program, a CrossFit LLC employee was assigned to produce Allvin’s fitness scores. The civilian was measured for waist size and performed a series of push-ups, sit-ups, leg crunches, and planks. Then it was off to the track for a 1½ mile run.

“The tests proved an unqualified success,” Kendall said as he raised his hands and eyebrows with enthusiasm. “Fitness scores jumped most dramatically for ‘heavy cargo’ pilots, and it was a godsend for JAGs. Only the chaplain corps failed to benefit from it.”

“Let me just caveat off what the Secretary said,” Allvin said while patting his tummy. “I was getting ready to pull double duty as chief of staff when the contract trials started. Offloading my daily exercise routine helped me to focus on my career obstacles.”

Kendall told reporters the trial program encountered a few unforeseen problems.

“Smokers couldn’t give us the running scores we wanted,” the Army War College alumni said. “So, we added a no-nicotine clause to ‘ContractorFit.’”

Due to a loophole, a pregnant bomber pilot was replaced by a male contractor “who achieved a score above the theoretical maximum,” Allvin revealed. “But it also made us realize how we can support officers undergoing gender transition. That’s a big plus."

Only officer fitness tests will be outsourced for now, but Kendall hopes enlisted members will benefit from ‘ContractFit’ in fiscal year 2027. “It’s just a matter of finding the right budget line item,” said the former Under Secretary of Defense for Acquisition. “Until then, airmen and NCOs will continue to take their own fitness tests. It’s wasteful and inefficient but it is what it is for now. ”

Allvin noted that ‘ContractorFit’ should reach Guard and Reserve units by fiscal year 2034. “We’re not too worried about guardsmen,” he said, “as they very effectively use waivers to augment their fitness program."

“Our ultimate goal,” said Kendall, “is to outsource all fitness testing at the Air Force Academy and for all enlisted basic trainees. This will open up wider recruitment opportunities for people with spinal injuries, muscular dystrophy, you name it!”

Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO who learned why women should never take their fitness test with an all-male pilot squadron.