Commissary limits retirees to two war stories per visit

FORT LEE, Va. — Seeking to regain lost productivity among commissary employees and active service members, military commissaries will limit the number of war stories a retiree may tell patrons and employees while shopping to two per visit, the Defense Commissary Agency confirmed today.

"War stories, like good food, should be consumed in moderation," said agency director William F. Moore, himself the son of a hardened combat veteran who often told bold tales while trying to save 30% over retail store prices.

“It’s been on the increase since the 9/11 attacks,” Moore said. “Did you know employees have lost their entire fifteen-minute break when a patron stops them to ask where the MREs are? And forget it if it’s someone in uniform trying to buy something for lunch. Next thing you know, some Master Sgt. who cut his teeth in Kandahar is listening to a septuagenarian’s 1,000th retelling of what it’s like to eat an MRE while on patrol in some training area at Fort Sill.”

Standing with Moore at the announcement was wounded near-veteran Braulio Castillo, who assured the crowd of retirees that commissaries will also only allow a single war story per visit for those recognized by the Veterans Administration as 30% disabled. “This problem is not just about retirees,” Castillo said. “War stories also flow from the mouths of the people you’d least expect, those who served in a different type of combat and would do it again if they were not so grievously injured.”

Castillo then launched into a lengthy telling of the time he twisted his ankle playing football at the US Military Academy Prep School and used that to establish himself as a service-disabled veteran for purposes of securing contracts despite never serving in any real capacity.

Former Army wife Bailey Hayslip sees the commissary agency’s new rule as a positive step, “Honestly, the never-ending war stories are why I divorced my husband. A shopping cart is his ticket to blab about a first sergeant who— you know what? Go down to the commissary and ask him yourself. He hangs out there for hours since he retired.”

For different reasons, the new rule comes as a relief for retired Marine Kyle Carpenter. “I’ve really only got one war story to tell,” he said. “I was a bit younger than most when I opted for early retirement.”

Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO who shops at the commissary every month as required by law.