BREAKING: PV2 King "Don't Defect to North Korea" training NOT current

CAMP HUMPHREYS, Pyongtaek, S. Korea — Standing before an audience of senior military staff and commanders as well as the world press, a grim-faced Gen. Paul J. LaCamera, Commander, U.S. Forces Korea acknowledged investigators have determined the critical factor in PV2 Travis King’s defection 48 hours ago.

“I am not going to sugarcoat this. Responsibility inherent to command means I can’t. Simply put, King’s troop-level leadership failed to ensure he completed his annual ‘Don't Defect to North Korea’ training.“ Following a collective gasp, the room fell silent.

Annual training is widely seen as an efficient, time-effective means of ensuring members of the Department of Defense receive critical instruction and training on issues vital to defending the nation. Universally applicable matters such as records retention regulations for members of the infantry, wilderness survival training for administrative clerks, and how to cut and paste a squad’s worth of names over that of the new guy forced to actually complete mind-numbing training are just a fraction of the matters vital to America’s warfighters.

Gen. LaCamera continued speaking as one visibly relieved Col. wiped his forehead with a handkerchief. “Sure, MP’s allowed a soldier fresh from seven weeks in South Korean custody to wander the airport unaccompanied. But, I mean, come on, MP’s gonna MP, am I right? So yeah, a PV2, a mouth-breathing Cav Scout no less, was able to Jason Bourne his way 75 miles from the Incheon Airport to the DMZ, buy a souvenir hat, and then parkour his way across the most heavily guarded international border outside of Ukraine. All of that was wholly unforeseeable.”

Looking at the briefing room ceiling, LaCamera exhaled loudly.

“Still accountability matters, we know what right looks like, and one team one fight, so what is clear is that this is the fault of the following people: Cpl. Steven Angstrom, Staff Sgt. Jack O’Toole, Sgt. 1st Class Dave Maxwell — who should definitely know better because he’s been in Korea a long time — and 2nd Lt. Cheryl Dunton. They should all just go ahead and report to their squadron commander — who we are also looking at as a possible scapegoat, but probably not if he’s a guy someone senior likes and has plans for — to get career-ending counseling.”

LaCamera paused and looked down at the lectern he gripped with knuckles turning visibly white.

“So…yadda, yadda, yadda, intrusive leadership, something-something kneecap to kneecap counseling, blasie-blasie brilliance in the basics. People first or whatever. Leaders eat last and such. Any questions? No? Good, let’s consider this matter resolved,” he said, quickly exiting the room.

At the Pentagon, tensions were palpably lowered by the clear and appropriate absolution of higher staff and commanders.

“Secretary Austin, who is in no way influenced by his status as a former four-star commander, is pleased and proud to see decisive action taken to blame people who are barely out of high school for failing to ensure one of at least one hundred pedantic, cover your ass exercises masquerading as ‘training’ was completed as they prepared for potential apocalyptic warfare on the Korean Peninsula as part of America’s longest running, unresolved conflict,” said retired Radm. and Assistant to the Secretary of Defense for Public Affairs John Kirby.

Reached by text message, 2nd Lt. Dunton said, “King did what? Holy shit, LOL! Can’t talk now. Must complete information assurance training so I can go to field & shit in a box for 30 days”

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