Bergdahl last seen wandering toward Navy recruiting office

U.S. DISTRICT COURT, District of Columbia — Immediately following a federal judge’s ruling vacating former almost-Coast Guardsman and actual Army Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl’s military court-martial conviction and dishonorable discharge, the 37-year-old was seen ambling down the street toward a Navy recruiting station, mumbling about becoming “a Navy SEAL, maybe a pilot.”

“And so, it is the opinion of this court, that Mr. Bergdahl’s military desertion conviction and dishonorable discharge be vaca— hey, where did he go?” U.S. District Judge Reggie Walton, a George W. Bush appointee, asked while staring at Bergdahl’s empty chair. “Seriously, he was just right there.”

In 2009, Bergdahl walked away from his combat outpost, allegedly to report misconduct within his unit and find someone who would play Magic: The Gathering with him. A military investigation determined that shortly after he left his post, Bergdahl was picked up by Taliban fighters and held in captivity until 2014 when he was exchanged to a special operations team for five Guantanamo Bay detainees, seven million Roshan phone card minutes, and a handful of Skilcraft pens.

“The Taliban definitely got the better deal on this one,” one retired special operator told the Duffel Blog. “I wouldn’t have traded him for a veggie omelet MRE.”

Walton vacated the conviction following the revelation that Col. Jeffrey Nance, the military judge presiding over Bergdahl’s 2017 court martial, had not disclosed an application for a federal judge position within the Trump administration, a fact that may have influenced the court’s ruling.

“Yeah, I applied for that job, and a bunch of other positions on USAJobs when I was retiring,” Nance told the reporters following the recent court ruling. “But like any other veteran who has used that website, I never made it past the resume review stage. A quid pro quo? Please. Every colonel in DOD knows you are not getting a GS-15 position for which you did not actually write your own bullshit position description.”

In addition to Nance’s application for a political appointment within the Trump administration, Judge Walton cited tweets from then-President Trump making his position on the Bergdahl case clear before the trial in questioning the officer’s ability to objectively oversee the trial.

“The LOSER kid who walked away from his JOB in Appalachia deserves to be shot!” Trump tweeted several days before the trial. Col. Nance’s practice of wearing a red ‘MAGA’ grandpa hat while sitting on the bench cast further doubt about his impartiality.

The decision to vacate the decision against Bergdahl had an unusually unifying effect amongst douchey veterans. In a video for their new YouTube channel, professional veteran Tim Kennedy and “commie cadet” Spencer Rapone filmed themselves at a gun range firing AR15s at the cyclic rate before debating the Marxist dialectic and tourniquets then putting their arms around one another and saying in unison, “God, Bowe Bergdahl is such a huge douche.”

Shortly after Bergdahl wandered away from the federal courthouse, witnesses saw him stumbling into a nearby Navy recruiting station.

“I saw that goofy bastard staring at his shoes as he walked in the door and I told my chief, ‘I’m gonna sign a Hull Technician today,’” Petty Officer 1st Class Justin Cheatham said of Bergdahl. “I didn’t know who he was at the time, but he doesn’t have a dishonorable discharge anymore and with the recruiting numbers like they are right now – we’ll take him. Hell, he’ll probably get a bonus or something.”

Asked whether enlisting someone with Bergdahl’s history was wise or ethical, Cheatham said, “Recruiters are taught to find the bright side. Think about it, if he walks off a ship while it’s underway, the problem takes care of itself.”

Whiskey Fueled Tirade is far too hammered to produce a cogent biography. Rest assured he’s angry about it.