Secretary Austin caught skipping State of the Union by making same day Walter Reed appointment

WASHINGTON — The Biden Administration has reprimanded Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin for abusing Walter Reed's sick call appointments to get out of attending the 2024 State of the Union Address and other White House meetings.

Caught red-handed playing Helldivers 2 in his barracks room on Friday, the secretary scrambled to find an on-the-spot excuse as the president stood at the door berating him.

“So what about that appointment Austin, you look like you’re feeling better huh?” demanded President Biden, according to senior administration officials.

“Um sir, the appointment was canceled so I was just going to head in after chow,” Austin stuttered to an indignant president. “I told Mayorkas to give me notes aft…,” he gasped before being interrupted by the Commander in Chief.

“Get your kit and get your ass on the field now!” Biden demanded as the secretary scrambled to find his load-bearing equipment.

White House officials grew suspicious of the Secretary’s previous-conveniently placed Walter Reed appointments.

“You can’t bullshit a bullshitter,” smirked Vice President Harris. “I know all the tricks and when I saw him turn a three-day into a four-day, or always having his appointments during morning PT on one too many occasions I knew he was full of it.”

White House Inspector General Mark Garcia discovered compelling evidence of the Secretary’s malingering such as blank sick call receipts, and uncovered search results on how to get a positive COVID result.

“A positive COVID test immediately after New Years?” asked Harris. “Give me a break”.

The secretary was proficient after his decades of service in covering his tracks. Walter Reed officials said Austin made and canceled appointments, presumably so he could get screenshots of appointment times. Witnesses also reported the defense secretary as going inside to play ping-pong at the MWR facility until those who dropped him off cleared the area.

“Sorry sir I can’t go into appointment details due to HIPPA,” was an all-too-common defense. Other close calls were covered up by the Secretary saying that it was moved to a telehealth appointment that had to be somewhere private, such as his barracks room.

Sources tell Duffel Blog that after a three-hour hazing on the White House lawn, a defeated defense secretary was posted outside the Oval Office carpet. Reports speculate that this is in anticipation of his ultimate punishment.

Austin was last seen at the Pentagon south gate scanning ID cards over the weekend.