Command Sergeant Major suggests Ukraine tell Russia to stay off its grass

FORT SILL, OK — As Ukrainian troops arrive in Oklahoma to begin training on the Patriot missile system, one American advisor has been informally asking the visitors if they’ve tried a time-honored tactic for protecting sensitive terrain: asking the invading Russians to stay off their grass.

“Look, I get it, all these guys getting off the plane have that thousand-yard stare and look like they haven’t slept in months,” said Command Sergeant Major Chester B. Flashman, “and so maybe they just haven’t had the chance to really analyze their tactical situation. But you know, sometimes it’s the most obvious solution that eludes you when you’re distracted by other things. I think that’s what’s happened here, but I’m ready to help out.”

Flashman noted that a standing order to stay off the grass, reinforced by appropriate signage, is a time-honored area denial weapon. “It’s not a point defense weapon like a traffic cone. Traffic cones are easily moved, and then there’s always that specialist who parks right next to it, then claims that the line paint is too faded to tell where the spot is. I’m an old-school soldier, so I make those smart alecks re-paint the lines then and there, but it’s still like playing whack-a-mole. It requires constant vigilance to monitor traffic cones, and with my quarter-hourly patrol route around the battalion spaces to yell at soldiers with their hands in their pockets, there just aren’t enough hours in the day to catch all violators.”

The commander’s grass, on the other hand, can be defended much more easily. “Everyone knows you stay off the grass, so perps can’t say they didn’t know better. You can monitor it much more efficiently too. I post up in my office which has a great view of the commander’s grass, have my morning plate of Tornados with a side of bear claws, and just watch and wait.”

“It’s such a thrill to see a soldier walk up to the edge of the grass and think that today is the day he’s going to get away with it,” said Flashman as he unwrapped another bear claw. “There is that moment of indecision, of weighing the risks and benefits, and then they take that first tentative step. Nothing bad happens right away, so they take another. Then another. I like to wait until they’re right in the middle of the boss’s grass, then I go after them.” Flashman also explained that waiting was an unfortunate practicality on his part, as he was almost done with his fifteenth light-duty chit extension due to a metabolic imbalance that prevents him from rapid movement.

“But because of my finely-honed military skills, timing and tempo, I always catch the perp before they get off the grass. Then when I’m done with them, there’s a 75% drop in attempts to cross the grass for a good two months. Beats an obstacle belt reinforced with mines any day.” Flashman also observed that a well-protected patch of grass served as a funneling feature for driving more circumspect soldiers into his first sergeant’s anti-hands-in-pockets kill zone. “Between me and the first sergeant, I think we can show our Ukrainian guests that there’s a lot more to a layered defense than just missiles and mines.”

As of this writing, Command Sergeant Major Flashman was re-energizing himself with a fresh plate of Tornados while drafting a hip-pocket class on how to answer a need for cover, concealment, fire, and maneuver with a crisp drill routine and a few well-placed glow belts.

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