Army creates new ‘Future Douchebag Politician’ MOS

PRETTY MUCH ANYWHERE, USA — In an effort to align the service with a constantly evolving political battlefield and increase veteran involvement with governance, the US Army announced the creation of a new ‘Future Douchebag Politician’ (FDP) military occupational specialty.

“For decades, we actually had veterans who saw political service as an extension of the spirit they felt in uniform; just another means of serving their fellow Americans. Hell, George Washington practically got press-ganged into the presidency. But over the last few decades, a lot of soldiers began following what we’ve now formalized as the FDP career path,” said Chief of Staff of the Army Gen. James McConville.

Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Grinston said, “To caveat off what the Chief said, we’re really seeing growing interest from the GWOT generation and even younger douchebags. It’s high time we updated our talent management model to afford every soldier the opportunity to one day become a haughty, self-important, asshole maximizing his or her opportunities for self-aggrandizement in our state and federal legislatures.”

Army Deputy Chief of Staff G-1 Lieutenant General Douglas F. Stitt extolled the value of the program. “This initiative greatly expands career opportunities for obnoxious dickheads who want to one day lead the nation with minimal prudence or integrity. We are proud that even if these assholes never get elected, they can still go on to really annoy a whole lot of people on the campaign trail. And of course, there’s always appointed positions.”

“I’ve always known I was a douchebag,” said Pfc. Keith Harland, who recently earned the coveted Future Douchebag Politician Badge, a chest device featuring a colonial soldier bending back between his own legs to kiss his own ass, while also jamming a stick up it. “Now, I can finally put that skill set to use in the service of dividing my country as a means of garnering personal power and the popularity that eluded me in high school.”

Jeff Winstead, himself a former Army specialist who did nothing of note during his time in service but nonetheless successfully ran for a state congressional office based upon jingoistic hero-worship, helped design the training. He said it’s important for FDPs to focus on spouting off as much loosely constructed nonsense as possible while going to great lengths to avoid media scrutiny about their service record. Accordingly, FDPs will complete a unique training and career progression pipeline to prepare them to eventually embarrass themselves and everyone who has ever worn the uniform.

“FDPs complete a 3-month deployment in an administrative role to Kuwait that they will refer to as ‘combat’ and learn to obliquely refer to awards for valor that will turn out to be conspicuously missing from their DD-214,” he said. “Training will culminate in a 3-month video production session, in which our soldiers will film a cheesy action hero sequence of themselves either freefall parachuting into a hot DZ or dressed as the fighter pilot they never were. Regardless, they’ll smite the evil forces of whichever party opposes the douchebags with which they align, guaranteeing they really divide the dumbest, most Dunning Krueger-prone members of our citizenry,” Winstead said. “Upon graduation, they’ll get their FDP Badge and a lawn sign with the word ‘VETERAN’ in bold red, white, and blue font.”

Asked for comment, Pfc. Harland’s civilian father, Gary, said he was so inspired he was considering his own run for mayor “as a way to turn my son’s uniformed douchebaggery to my own civilian benefit.”

Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of the medieval and fantasy satire site Ye Olde Tyme News.