Are veterans bad for the economy? Experts say yes

WASHINGTON — Military veterans make up only 6.4% of the United States population, according to Census Bureau data, but these freeloaders cost the American taxpayer billions, a fact that brings Republicans and Democrats together.

It is no coincidence that the national debt ceiling has become a contentious issue for usually rational and cooperative legislators. But one silver lining in the fight is the unifying effect that paying for veterans has when they’re no longer actively fighting wars or offering useful photo opportunities. Legislators, budget analysts, and journalists agree, America’s veterans, especially disabled ones, are “a gigantic pain in the ass.”

“When you think about it, the VA budget is about $119 billion but we only have about 19 million veterans,” stated Washington Post journalist Aimes Poorly. “So, that amounts to what? Like, ten billion dollars per veteran?”

“I don’t know about you,” Poorly continued. “But I don’t want my tax dollars to make billionaires out of cripples and shell-shocked kids who can’t contribute to society. They need to pull themselves up by their combat bootstraps. Do you think my parents paid for four years of finding my truth at Wellesley or my Eurosummer with a bunch of government handouts? No! My dad is a simple plastic surgeon. He had to perform a lot of extra elective surgeries to pay for all that. These crybaby vets could have chosen Spain over Nangarhar or Ramadi if they had a little vision. Dude, the raves in Ibiza are nuts.”

Recently, the Washington Post brilliantly used an opinion article to explore this very topic — highlighting the unfortunate fact that advanced medical research and care means more service members survive severe and life-threatening injuries than in previous generations. This huge downside of science has led to a surplus of greedy veterans for the American people to support with benefits like healthcare, free or reduced college costs, life insurance, and career training. It was a thought-provoking exercise in brilliance that really made people think.

Willow Sparks, an unemployed crystals expert, weighed in.

“So, like, here I am $80,000 in debt to student loans, with a Ph.D. in cosmic philosophy, and I find it pretty insulting that all you have to do is serve in the Army, get injured and bam — free healthcare and free college,” Sparks said. "Like, what gives?"