Allies criticize US for sending clusterf-cks to Ukraine

WASHINGTON – Despite a chorus of criticism domestically and from allies abroad, the Biden Administration is pressing forward with plans to include an assortment of clusterfucks in its latest military aid package to Ukraine.

“The United States is committed to providing the Ukrainians with the best we have to offer for their national defense,” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. “Over the course of many years, our military has produced some of the most astounding clusterfucks in modern military history. If Ukraine truly wants to ever join NATO, then they need to understand that the clusterfuck is an integral part of a modern military.”

Found at every level of military operations, the use of clusterfucks is highly controversial, as they often result in an astounding array of shitty consequences for headquarters, combat troops, support elements, and civilians alike. Clusterfucks may range from lower-impact activities such as organizing unit “fun runs” or scheduling then losing approvals for leave and/or travel pay, all the way to strategic activities like the ability to understand whether a host nation will last more than a few hours after an American withdrawal or eliminating jobs for 1,000,000 Iraqi soldiers might result in a grindingly bloody insurgency that lasts for more than a decade and results in the rise of an actual army of savages seeking to return a swath of South West Asia to the 12th Century.

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