USAF Offers to Donate A-10s to Ukraine. Or Anybody at All, Really. Please. Just F*cking Take Them Already

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WASHINGTON, DC - In a move that has Pentagon insiders both bewildered and amused, the United States Air Force has made an unprecedented offer to donate its fleet of A-10 Thunderbolt II aircraft, affectionately known as “Warthogs,” to Ukraine. Or, in a surprising twist, to “literally anyone else who will take them off our hands,” as one exasperated official put it.

“We’re pretty much begging at this point,” said Air Force spokesperson Lt. Col. Barry Flightpath. “We’ve tried everything – Craigslist, Facebook Marketplace, even a lemonade stand-style pitch outside the Pentagon. If you’ve got a ZIP code, we’ve got an A-10 for you.”

The A-10, known for its distinctive “BRRRT” sound and unparalleled close air support capabilities, has long been a subject of contention within the Air Force. With modernization efforts in full swing and budgets tighter than the cockpit of an F-35, the service is looking to offload the aging aircraft to make room for newer, shinier toys.

“We thought about making them into a trendy pop-up hotel experience,” Flightpath mused, flipping through a PowerPoint deck titled ‘Operation Warthog AirBnB.’ “But then we figured, why not just give them to Ukraine? Or, I don’t know, a well-organized homeowners association? Really, we’re not picky.”

Ukraine, currently bolstering its defenses against aggression, has responded with cautious optimism. “We appreciate the gesture,” said Ukrainian Defense Minister Oleksii Reznikov, scratching his head. “But we were kind of hoping for something that doesn't come with a VHS instructional manual.”

The offer has also piqued the interest of various unconventional entities, from aspiring warlords to eccentric billionaires looking for the ultimate lawn ornament. “I’ve always wanted my own air force,” beamed Elon Musk, eyeing a glossy brochure of the A-10. “Maybe I’ll start a Mars militia. Do you think these things can fly in space? I bet I can get them to fly in space.”

In an effort to sweeten the deal, the Air Force has thrown in an assortment of incentives, including free delivery, a year’s supply of 30mm GAU-8 Avenger ammunition, and a buy-one-get-one-free coupon redeemable for any decommissioned military aircraft.

“We’re even throwing in a set of steak knives and a year’s subscription to ‘Jets Monthly,’” Flightpath added with a hint of desperation. “Come on, folks. Help us help you help us clear some hangar space.”

The other services are shocked at the unfolding events.

“We’ve literally been trying to buy the Warthog program for over a decade,” Army official Col. Stewart said during an Air Force press conference. “Like, seriously. This is the only close air support aircraft we all trust. I’ve waved to Warthog pilots before and I can see their hands wave back.

The argument that broke out was not without unique sources of drama, though.

“Get f*cked, we want them!,” screamed Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Eric Smith. “Right now! I’ll take them right now and we’ll even scrap the Osprey program if you let me get my hands on these murder tanks with wings! I mean, we got rid of our tanks, so this could be a perfect replacement.”

“Ahem. SOCOM called dibs years ago,” said a shadow at the back of the room. “The terrorists across the globe have been missing the beautiful ‘BRRRT’ as much as we have.”

The Air Force appeared to not hear any of the previous conversation. His face buried in his hands, Flightpath muttered, “We just can’t figure out how to get rid of this aircraft. No one wants it! The Pentagon keeps acting like the Air Force is made out of money!”. Wiping tears from his face with his Air Force-issued Gucci scarf, Flightpath continued, “We just can’t sustain this thing forever. It’s time to build the next trillion-dollar next-generation fighter.”

The press conference ended when someone in the audience asked how the Air Force was able to sustain the B-52 program.

As the offer stands, the world watches with bated breath to see who will be the next proud owner of America’s most beloved flying tank. Meanwhile, A-10 pilots are reportedly taking bets on whether their trusty steeds will end up defending freedom or adorning the Instagram feeds of the rich and famous.

Grumpy contributed to reporting.

As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.

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