38-year-old soldier uses GI Bill to go to Hogwarts

HOGSMEADE, UK — In an unprecedented move raising eyebrows across the wizarding world and the world of veteran benefits, medically retired Spc. Michael “Magic” Eastwood, a 38-year-old Army veteran, has enrolled at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry using his Post-9/11 GI Bill as a part of a new veteran’s program there. 

Eastwood, who has no inherent magical ability, has become an unlikely figure at the school, known for skipping classes, selling cigarettes to sixth and seventh years, and showing up to the few classes he attends reeking of Butter Beer.

“It’s like Billy Madison went to wizard school, only with more facial hair and a more pronounced drinking problem,” commented Mr. Arthur Weasley, a man familiar with muggle entertainment. 

Eastwood, who served three tours in Afghanistan, plans to major in Defense Against the Dark Arts. “After facing Taliban insurgents, I figured a few dark wizards shouldn’t be too tough,” he said, staring into the distance while polishing his new wand, a sturdy 12-inch oak with a core of phoenix feather. “Plus, I’ve always been good at land navigation, so finding my way around the Forbidden Forest for field exercises should be a breeze. I’m not a lieutenant, after all.”

Despite his unconventional behavior and complete lack of magical prowess, Eastwood has surprisingly not been expelled. “Turns out, it’s really hard to kick someone out of Hogwarts,” a source inside the administration revealed. “The Malfoy family? Associated with You-Know-Who and still has their son in attendance. Harry Potter has murdered at least one person. There’s proof and everything. Probably going to graduate with honors. So, this Eastwood guy? He’s practically a saint in comparison.”

Eastwood, often seen lounging in the common room with a Butter Beer in hand, has brought a unique brand of chaos to Hogwarts. “I tried teaching him ‘Incendio’, but he just used his wand as a makeshift cigarette lighter,” sighed Professor Flitwick. “And he insists on calling Snape ‘Sarge’, which confuses everyone.”

Amidst his notorious reputation, Eastwood has had some positive influence. He’s proposed a non-magical defense class, “Muggle Tactics 101”, which surprisingly has seen high enrollment from curious students. “Sure, he can’t cast a spell to save his life, but the man knows how to set up an L-shaped ambush using nothing but a cloak and a couple of decoy ducks,” said a Gryffindor prefect.

The Hogwarts Quidditch teams have also benefited from Eastwood’s tactical knowledge. “His play strategies are something else,” noted the team captain for Gryffindor. “He keeps trying to incorporate military hand signals into the game. It’s bizarre but oddly efficient. I think Slytherin House is the most attracted to what Eastwood has to offer.”

Regarding houses, Eastwood has remained a wild card. The Sorting Hat could not find the proper house into which to sort Eastwood, citing “Truly disturbing images,” and an “unhinged” personality that left Eastwood a little too intense for Slytherin, and definitely not appropriate for any of the houses.

“The Hufflepuffs run every time they see Eastwood,” a Gryffindor boy admitted to Duffel Blog correspondents. 

The Department of Veteran Affairs, still reeling from the shock of Eastwood’s educational choice, has had to reconsider the flexibility of the GI Bill. “We support our veterans in their educational pursuits, no matter how unconventional,” a VA spokesperson stated. “However, we’re currently reviewing our policies regarding magical education. We didn’t know such a school would accept a grown man, but they have a surprisingly sparse amount of rules regarding age limits. We’re still trying to figure out if ‘Potions’ counts as a science credit.”

Eastwood’s classmates, mostly teenagers, also have mixed feelings. “He offered to sell me something he called Skoal and showed me how to arm-wrestle,” said a Hufflepuff student. “It’s weird, but he’s kind of cool, in a ‘my strange uncle’ kind of way. He taught a bunch of the older students how to play a Muggle game called spades.”

As for his future, Eastwood is undeterred by his lack of magical ability. “I might not be able to cast spells, but I’ve got other skills. Plus, after dealing with army bureaucracy, navigating the Ministry of Magic should be a cakewalk.”

As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.